Thursday, May 22, 2008

Two posts within 12 hours... unheard of!

So I'm preparing to embark on yet another fun filled adventure in "FINDING A NEW JOB!" I hate this process. I think I've said it many times without giving specific details why. Well here they are:

The Objective: I printed off several copies of my resume to hand out to various potential employers and read over it, just to see what a desperate unemployed Dan created a couple months ago. I vomited mildly in my mouth when I read how awful my objective is. It's not awful because its a horribly written or bad objective, its just so corny. Why do we put ourselves through this? Who invented the objective in the first place? Most of the time we fine craft it to fit wherever we are applying at the time. For instance, you might apply to a computer job and a manager job. The first one might say something like: "To obtain a position in a technology driven environment where I can hone my troubleshooting skills." Then the second resume might say: "To obtain a position in a fast paced environment where my superior customer service skills can be of value." I know both of those are complete crap, the employer I would hope knows that they are complete crap, so why do we still do this dance? For now on I want everyone on their objective to write: "To make money." Plain and simple and straight to the point. (This is unless it is actually a job where you want to learn something, then put that in there. Sincerity equals bonus points in an interview.)

The dress code: I hate getting dressed up. I feel that if someone is interviewing you, they need to get a feel for who you really are, and what better way than for you to show up to the interview in what you would normally wear. If I'm a skater on the weekends, torn jeans and a t-shirt. If I'm a mafia Don on the weekends, a slick white suit. If I'm a space marine on the weekends, class four armor, oxygen tanks, and the automatic rifle with attached grenade launcher.

What do I hate more than getting dressed up? Shaving my facial hair off. I don't look as cool without a little five of clock shadow. Honestly, thats the only thing giving me any street cred nowadays. However, the business world still frowns upon humans sporting some sweet mutton-chops. I think people respect a man with a beard more. Once I start a job, I'm going to end up growing one anyway. Sure, maybe the first couple days I play it safe and keep it trimmed down, but then I slowly start growing longer and longer stubble, waiting to see if anyone will say anything. If someone does, I'll just say, oh I've been kinda lazy about shaving the past couple days, and I'll shave it that night. However if people keep their mouths shut (which I find they do more often than not) I let my main flow like a lion. (I gotta make up for the baldness on top) Embrace the beards!

I also don't like the repetition. Most places won't just accept your resume and list of references. They want you to fill out their application, which has you list all of your past jobs and references again. This is the obvious way for them to have everything they need in an order they're familiar with so they can essentially do an express lane hiring process. Lets just do away with resumes completely if you aren't going to use them. I didn't bother my wife to design and spell check mine for two whole weeks, just so it can end up either in the trash, my file if I'm hired, or in the special folder of applicants you keep for 90s days. (That folder by the way: Yes they keep it for 90 days, but they never look back in there unless absolutely desperate.) Not only are there repetitions in the same job application, but when searching, you might have to fill out that information for every job you apply to. Last search, I filled out 45 different applications, and about 38 times I had to fill out that information on each one. It really slows down how many I can apply for in a day.

Finally, the pay: Quit low-balling people. I know you want to know how much I made at previous jobs so you can think... oh I have this much for the budget, but if they were making only this much, we can give them less. Just gimme the money. (See how that objective I talked about works on several levels... its also a demand)

So in conclusion: Business world. Its time to move on. Your hiring practices were invented by some form loving, variety hating, bureaucrats decades ago. When I come to you in a Hawaiian shirt, telling you to give me my money, make the right decision. Hire the man with nothing to hide.