Wednesday, May 14, 2008

My favorite 4 year process... Election Year!

Granted its not election year yet, but I can tell its getting close because more and more old people on television are acting like idiots and children. I don't know what it is about politicians around election time, but its like they let off some sort of pheromone like cats in heat, and all of them start going crazy. Let's break down some of the awesomeness that these primaries have brought us thus far.

First, Bush is doing a lousy job. In fact, he's been doing a lousy job for... oh about two months after he entered office. We went into a war with no exit strategy, he can't speak even though he has the best speech writers on the planet, (Ben Stein was a speech writer for God's sake) and the economy is in such turmoil right now that I've considered taking a job as an assistant manager at Radio Shack... when I have a freakin' college degree. These are all things that everyone knows and the general population that don't like Bush finally out number those that blindly follow the man. The great thing about election year... Republicans after seven years of grinning and saying they agree with everything Mr. President does and says are finally able to jump ship in the name of self preservation, and say no Mr. President, your idea to keep shipping the amount of fuel barrels you want to the emergency stock is an asinine idea. Any Republican (about 85% of them in Congress) that have taken this stance have gained 30% popularity among their local voters.

Hilary Clinton was New York's sweet heart. She was the only one that could possibly fill the shoes of the beloved Rudy. She made some stupid name calling mistakes toward Obama and started the campaigning as if she had won some pretty large states states already, and then lost them to her opponent, the terrorist lover. Now she's desperately scrambling because the woman vote she thought she had on lock-down are just finding Obama to be an attractive man they could take home to mom. I've been hearing more and more jokes about her being connected to the mafia or being as scary and as evil as a Sith Lord that is bored. But think about it. We already have Darth Vader as the Vice President. Dick Cheney, is in fact, one lightsaber duel away from being put in a robotic life support suit with a sleek black finish and cape. Hilary may seem evil, but if she is, at least she's not literally pulling the trigger on friends. (Although the Cheney shooting his friend joke has probably been overplayed by now, I feel it fits here.)

That brings me to Hilary's opponent Barack Obama, and as far as I hear, the favorite to take over the presidential throne next year. The initial remarks on Mr. Obama all had to do with his inexperience, but now people found something to really get him with, his minister. Yes opponents of Obama have used comments made by his personal religious leader against him. For those of you who haven't seen the slander just yet, Obama's minister essentially "damned" America and Israel. What does this have to do with the general election? Absolutely nothing. Like Hilary's imaginary ties to the mafia, people have created a Siamese twin of Obama and Minister Wright. Apparently, at least according to his enemies, what your religious leader says and thinks, you do by association. Its like this awesome high school click philosophy all over again... except with rich lawyers and politicians... which makes it sadder than your local high school. I mean come on, dig up something better on the man or just shut up. That would be like my best friend saying he prefers Xbox to Wii, therefore I hate Nintendo by association. Another awesome thing I was recently sent by a coworker was a chain letter email stressing not to vote for Obama because he is a terrorist. What was the red-neck reasoning behind this? Apparently Obama's middle name happens to be Hussein, his last name rhymes with Osama, and the terrorists said they are going to attack from the inside next time. Therefore Obama wants to win the presidency so he can attack America. Whoever came up with this conspiracy theory deserves some sort of medal because they are really going for a stretch here. IF (and I can't stress that enough) by some chance a terrorist was voted in as President, (Thus proving the electoral college is crap) they might be able to get one or two attacks off before they are ousted, executed, and buried upside down in a shallow grave. A terrorist would serve a much better purpose in some other office of government, not the most watched person on the planet. So I truly hope that no one believes this email. It really would do a lot to bring back my hope in humanity. But I guess there were some people that admitted to voting for Bush because his name sounded like the beer.

Then on our Republican side we have Mr. Neutral, John McCain. Although I have much respect for the Arizona native's passion to close the hatred between Democrats and Republicans on Senate Hill, I don't think he's a logical Presidential Candidate. For one, the Democrats can't go the route of he's a war profiteering, heartless conservative because the man just doesn't have anything scary about him. Two, he can't call the Democrats whiny, flip-flopping tree-huggers because he's friends with many of them and has tried to work with them so much. He's destroyed his credibility there. And three, the man is 74 now, which means if he won, he would leave the White House at 79. Let me just say that his Vice President would have the easiest presidential takeover ever. The potential of a man that age, with that much stress, and that many people gunning for him having a heart attack are astronomical. On top of that, he has to distance himself from our much hated current president as much as he can. I mean, normally I don't hate candidates on the basis of things like gas prices, but when I pull up to the pump and see $3.59 blinking on the pump, I curse the Bush family line. I know that it wasn't Bush's fault that prices sky rocketed (at least not totally, I'm sure Cheney force choked the wrong guy at some point) but when gas costs as much as a Sub and I have to debate on weather or not to drive or eat, I tend to get irrational.

Then we have Ron Paul. I'm not going to waste much time on this man. He has many great ideas, but the gold standard is not one of them. He's somewhat of a third party candidate that made a ton of money from college kids, and then that money caused some sort of aneurysm that made him go insane. The third party will never win in the United States, especially if that third party has a forth and fifth party living in his brain.

One last thing about our messed up system of government. California lawyer and super delegate Steven Ybarra is selling his democratic vote for $20 million to either Hilary or Obama, whoever wants to pay. (Don't believe me, go here
This proves that ultimately any politician is for sale for the right price, and money is what drives most people to make decisions.

So happy election year people, I'm strongly considering sitting this one out, only to say I didn't cause whatever is going to happen in the next four years. Be sure to watch the Vice Presidential debates, because they get buck nasty playground style, and kiss your butts goodbye with the choices facing the people. Thank you, and America Prevails! (Anyone that gets that last reference wins my affection and my super delegate vote)