Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where's the f*cking right click?

I hate Apple and that's an understatement.

I hate it to the point of when people suggest they are going to buy any product from Apple, I feel like I've been wronged. I feel like it's a personal attack on my character when people offend me with their bad choices. I want to take up arms and burn down buildings anytime someone I know and care about knowingly purchases a Mac.

I grew up in an anti-Apple household. The moment Windows 3.1 showed me a portal to the sweet life, I knew I would hate Apple.

Steve Jobs is a great salesman, but also an jackass.

Oh, come off of it. Just because the guy has/had cancer doesn't mean I can't not like him. I don't wish him any ill will, in fact I hope he fights cancer and stays free of it his entire life. However, if I had the chance, I'd punch his stupid pearly white teeth down his throat. I would dip my fingers into the blood running from his mouth and rub it on my face like tribal war paint and chant my victory chant at the top of my lungs.

When I saw him this summer make his snide remarks against Microsoft, Sony, Dell, and Nintendo I wanted to punch him his snide little rich white suburban face. The ridiculous advertisement with the picture of a guy in jeans with a Dell laptop hanging out of his pocket. Steve Jobs got his stupid little laugh going and was like "Oh, our iPhone is a computer that fits in your pocket." The iPhone, officially announced by Steve Jobs, is a better gaming device than anything Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo could ever come up with.

Its a better gaming device for 13 year old Miley Cyrus fans and hungover students not paying attention in class. I hope that an unholy union of all four of those companies creates a monster and totally and completely buries Apple.

Apple cornered the MP3 player market early on. Out of the three different MP3 players I've had: Dell Jukebox, iPod Classic, and Microsoft Zune, I can say without any doubt or stutter that the iPod was my worst MP3 player.

The software sucked. Took me 8 hours to fix my music tags every time my library disappeared, which happened every time iTunes had an update.

I downloaded a bunch of songs and then had to format my hard drive, guess what, can't redownload that music. Sorry, time to pay another $1 for all the songs you technically already own.

How's about how the stupid scroll wheel wouldn't work when the temperature dipped below 45 degrees? Not to mention the fact that even when you drop $300+ on a new iPod, rest assured the newer better version will be out the next year.

Screw iPod.

The Zune does it better, cheaper, and quicker.

Don't even get my started on Macbooks and iMacs. Yes, they are good computers. But you can get just as good of a PC for $300-500 less. Not to mention, you'll have to pay $5-10 more for applications because you have to buy the "Mac" compatible version.

Besides the absolute unwarranted snideness of Apple products, I feel like its a war of the "have's" VS the "have nots." Macs are for people that have a lot of money and don't know much about technology. Apple makes decisions for people that don't now any better.

I've talked to users at my work, convinced to buy Macs, find out quickly that the sun might not shine so brightly on them. They tell me things like "Macs don't get viruses." "Macs are faster." "Macs are more powerful." They are regurgitating salesmen lines and when I tell them that's not necessarily right, they flip out.

With Windows 7 getting glowing reviews and taking everything you get with a Mac OS and trumping it, there's no reason to get a Mac anymore. None.

Please, if you find yourself in a situation where you are considering purchasing anything Apple related, call me. I'll present your options with an extreme bias, we'll have a good laugh at Apple's expense, and you can thank me for talking you into a PC with a Zune marketplace giftcard.

Oh, and CTRL+Click does not constitute a true right click. So get off it!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Christmas List 2009 by Dan Story

For those of you who care, this is my annual Christmas list.

We really need a new TV Stand. The one I want the most is at the top, but others that I've liked are below that.

TV Stands:


Xbox 360

1. The Sabateur


2. Mass Effect 2 (Pre-order. This wouldn't come to me until late January, but I'm ultra amped about it.)


3. Borderlands


Playstation 3

1. Heavy Rain (Pre-order)



1. Sony PSP 2000:

2. Zune Dock:

1. Eragon Trilogy Hardback:

2. Harry Potter Books 1-6 Hardback: I could take a few individually or they have all seven books in a boxed set.


1. Enemy at the Gates:

2. Lord of the Rings:

Albums- The kind that are made out of vinyl. They play on record players! :)

1. The Beatles - "Let it Be"

2. Flogging Molly - "Drunken Lullabies"

3. Social Distortion - "Social Distortion"

4. Bright Eyes - "I'm Wide Awake its Morning"

5. Death Cab for Cutie - "Plans"

6. Nirvana - "Live in New York"

7. Weezer - "Pinkerton"

8. David Bowie - "Space Oddity"

Magazine Subscriptions

1.Official Playstation Magazine

2. Wired

Gift Cards

2. (So I can amp up my computer)

3. Borders Books

4. Best Buy

5. Eb Games

Making Alarm Clocks Obsolete

How many people still use alarm clocks?

I don't. My cell phone has my weekday alarm, my weekend alarm, my after work nap alarm, (almost never used, naps are for when you're dead) programmed and saved. All I have to do is touch one button and its set.

Unlike alarm clocks you can program whatever music you want to wake you up. Maybe I'm feeling a bit gangster and need Jay Z in the morning. Perhaps I didn't get much sleep, I could have Death Cab for Cutie slowly wake me. Whatever your taste, you now get to choose the noise that wakes you up. Granted if I ever hear my alarm clock songs on the radio, I start panicking, and even if I'm dressed, I start looking for pants to put on.

There are two alarm clocks I distinctly remember.

The first one I had was old. It was passed down from my parents who I'm sure had it passed down from their parents, and so on. I date the alarm clock to the 70s because it actually had wood paneling on it.

The alarm clock sticks in my memory for several annoying reasons. For one, it didn't have memory so you couldn't save a time to wake up in the clock. Every night I would have to hold down a button that would scroll through all the numbers, counting them up, eventually getting faster. Every time, like pumping gas at the pump, I would overshoot my goal by just enough that I would have to scroll through the numbers again.

The second reason I remember this clock is "BWAMMMPPH BWAMMMPPH BWAMMMPPH BWAMMMPPH!" I never woke up in the good mood. This clock would make the more shrill, soul bruising, noise ever. I was never late for anything, but I partly blame this alarm clock for my lack of social skills the first hour I'm awake.

The second alarm clock I remember is one my Grandpa Story gave me. I thought, "Finally, I can dump this other one."

It was my birthday. It was always interesting when my grandpa would bring gifts because we didn't see him quite enough for him to know what we would really like, but he was great at finding the generic gift that kids would like. For instance, one year I was given a football and another year I was giving a red Power Ranger costume. (That was about 10 sizes too small. Brett got his birthday in July that year and wore that costume until the legs only covered to around his knee.)

So I opened the box this year and got a Tazmanian Devil alarm clock. When the alarm would go off Taz would pop out of his tornado clock and scream "Bwal, bwal, bwal, wake up!" Just annoying enough to wake me but still cool.

Now this memory gets filed away in the "Keep" pile of my brain because it was defective. Taz decided I should wake up at 2 am, 3:47 am, 4:17 am, and then it would skip when I wanted to wake up at 6:15, but let me know I was missing the bus at 7:05.

You know what, good riddence alarm clocks. I fully support the use of cell phones.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


There are people in my life that are constant disappointments to me only because I know that they have so much potential, but are comfortable coming home and watching television and going to bed. Then there are those people that you don't quite know well enough and have an impression of how they are.

There's this person that I work with. This person is always late, often wanders away from the desk, constantly talks about sexual conquests and getting drunk nightly. She projects this shell of a person. A tragic stereotype of the product of a broken home. I like this person. She's nice. She means well. She's just looking for a place to fit.

Up until today that's all I knew about her.

I stumbled across a blog that hasn't been updated in months. I started reading it, thinking this person is really intense, insightful, and thoughtful. Then there was a video posted title "Friends." I started playing the video and it was a montage of friends having great times.

About forty-five seconds into the video is one shot of a girl holding a camera in front of her face pointed at a mirror. Sort of a self portrait. The camera becomes shaky and just for a moment I get a glance at the photographer. Its a familiar face, but somethings different. The face is confident, sober, and happy. Its this girl from my work.

I started reading through and watching all the video posts, intruding on this person's personal life. Stories told through bandwidth. Everything I thought I knew about this person is different. I found myself wanting to march into work on Monday and just tell her, "You're going to be just fine."

I don't know if I'm going to be able to just smile and treat her the same Monday. Will I be able to convey what I know through eyes and body language? Is there a way I can tell her she isn't as worthless as she lets on without embarrassing her? Or should I let her go? Will she leave this job for something that does make her happy forgetting all of those she left behind without knowing that someone there appreciated her art, her life.