Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Cats are too much work... when they slash someone's face open

I'm sure most of you by now have heard about the Slider attack that happened last week. By request, I will give a summarized story right now.

Essentially I wanted to see how Slider reacted to dogs and my dad wanted to see how dogs reacted to a cat. We ignored a hundred years of cartoons telling us this would end badly, and mixed the two. Slider more or less just hid and hissed. This is the only time I've ever seen Slider hiss at anything.

At one point my dad picked Slider up and held him close to his chest. There were towels on the floor and he briefly thought about wrapping the cat in, but before he could make up his mind, his overly excited dogs entered the room and Slider used his face as a ladder. I wasn't in the room at this point, but I started hearing a string of curse words and "I don't know what happened" being screamed.

I walked in the room where my dad was holding his eyes and I thought, great my dad is now blind. Blood was everywhere, more curse words filled the apartment, and lack of communication followed.

See, I'm not a doctor. I see blood running down someones face I think "ohmyfreakinggodsomeonegetsomeadhesivestrips!"

He couldn't tell me what he needed because he had a brace wire tearing into his cheek. Eventually I gave him paper towels, wire cutters, and he Rambo cut his brace out and went to the hospital. Oh, and my dad is allergic to cats, so his wounds started swelling up almost immediately.

All in all, three stitches, a missing brace, and a lifetime of memories later I get a call from an animal control person. He essentially tells me he will have to take Slider into animal control for 10 days, there's no way out of it, its law. He also told my dad the same thing. I can only imagine how crappy the holding cells at animal control are. Slider would probably become a different cat. The best part is that we would've had to pay $150-200 for costs, even though my dad wasn't pressing charges and the cat obviously is a domestic cat with all of his shots.

The guy shows up, I show him all the papers on Slider's shots, and he says, alright I'll be back in ten days. That would've been the 25th of the month.

Sallie and I sat around and made sure people were here all day on the 25th and no one showed up. We figured since we had all the rabies paperwork, they probably didn't want to waste time and tax payers money on coming out here.

Well, once we got back from the baseball game last night we had a notice on the door saying they had been there all day. Essentially animal control is worse than the cable company. Where the cable company says they will be at your house between 7a.m. and 7p.m., animal control is more of a, we'll be there... eventually. Clear you schedule.

Now we get a call this morning from animal control. Slider has to have a chip put in him if he doesn't already. That's $10. It's the law. Luckily he has one.

However animal control still manages to slap some money on this whole ordeal. We have to get the rabies information and tag information updated within the next fifteen days. Essentially, pay them $10, and they change the tag from Myrtle Beach to St. Charles. Yes, its only $10, but its needless time and money for something so extremely pointless.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Mall Rat

Today Sallie and I headed out in the dreary Missouri humid rain to run some last minute wedding errands. (Like trying to find a ring for me that A) Doesn't cause my finger to swell up and B) I can stand having on my finger for more than 20 seconds) We started our journey at West County Mall, one I've never been to, and probably won't return. Its not a bad mall, but it definitely is set up more for the female crowd. Normal malls throw guys a couple of bones like having several book stores, CD stores, or video game stores, but this mall had one Walden's Books and nothing else.

We started at a store that specialized in purses and some jewelry. Sallie informed me that the cheapest purse at this store was probably $300. We quickly left, for I was wearing a seven year old T-shirt and obviously didn't belong here. However, the crowd that was in the store fit perfectly. All older ladies, dressed up way too much for the mall .

Then Sallie found the Mecca of girly-girl women's shops, Sephora, and I high-tailed it to the Walden's I saw on the way in. I knew that Sallie's eyes were going to constantly be falling out of her head, and her tongue would be dragging on the floor for at least twenty minutes, so I took my time in Walden's and played on of my favorite games: try to guess what book this person is looking at.

First off, two very stereotypical IT guys were taking up a large portion of the magazine section. They were both probably in their mid-40s, with IBM logo-ed polo shirts, and were both mildly overweight. My first guess was some sort of consumer electronics magazine, but I was dead wrong. They were discussing their fantasy football draft picks and holding a magazine dedicated to fantasy sports. I almost feel this is more nerdy than if they were reading a consumer electronic magazine.

I started perusing the fiction section, finding that whomever managed this particular Walden's liked to play it safe and filled shelves with the likes of Stephen King, Tom Clancy, and Dean Koontz novels. There was very little of interest in the fiction section so I moved to the next row where humor section was.

A thirteen year old boy was reading a book called "I Hope they have Beer in Hell." It's a collection of stories this alcoholic wrote about his awesome college drunk experiences. I thumbed through a few pages only to find anecdote after anecdote about his friend that peed in a parking lot or barfed in the cab. Something I can't imagine anyone, except someone who isn't old enough to drink, would want to read about.

The rest of the section was essentially filled with pop-culture essay collections. If I ever become famous enough for people to care enough about my opinions pop-culture, I would love to put out these books several times a year. I basically already do that with my blog, but force people to reading them.

I then climbed around to my favorite sections: Sci-fi, Graphic Novels (comic books), and hobbies.

The sci-fi section was particularly pathetic. For instance, Star Wars novels are an obvious shelf filler in this genre. Yes, they did have a couple of novels, but if you bother stocking Star Wars novels, you better have a couple by Timothy Zahn. He more or less is the most loved fan fiction writer of the series. Most of the shelf was filled with Halo and Warcraft fan fiction. I haven't read any of these, but I have to imagine they are probably not great as the games they are based on are somewhat mediocre.

Anyway, the hobby section backed up to the sci-fi section and some lady was reading a photography book. I decided to try a little experiment to help pass the time. Experiment title: How much personal space does a person need?

I stepped a foot or so closer to the subject about every thirty seconds to see how long it was before this lady moved down. Once I entered her two and a half foot safety bubble, she moved down about a foot. I continued to push her further down the aisle until eventually I was pretending to be interested in the "Young Adult" and eventually the "Read with Me" toddler section. It wasn't until I pushed her into the corner that she finally walked the long way around the shelf back to her original position.

If I've done anything today, its to immortalize myself in her life. Right now, she is probably talking to her girlfriends about the creepy sci-fi, immature reading, guy that kept getting closer to her.

Lastly, I moved toward the comic section. A beer-gutted, backwards pre-frayed hat, college kid was looking at an X-men graphic novel. (Which already tells me that this guy probably doesn't really read many comics) As soon as I started thumbing through old Batman comics (they had a good collection I'm assuming because of the movie) the college guy moved to the other side of the shelf and started reading body-building books. Comics and body building just don't go together. This kid is obviously confused about who his is. He wants so bad to be a nerd, but he knows his "bros" just wouldn't accept him because that life style goes against the beer god.

I had already made my rounds at Walden's, and after thumbing through a coffee table book on the most famous assassinations, I decided to go pull Sallie out of the make-up superstore before the money I haven't earned yet was spent. As I showed up I saw her getting handed a membership card, and a bag filled with goodies. She assures me that everything in the bag is for the wedding, and that I can even use this creamy stuff to keep my face from being so shiny in the heat. (And then she laughed and said we'd have to rub it all over my head. Ouch!)

We wandered in and out of about five more clothing stores and jewelry depositories but found nothing of interest. I was desperately hoping to find an EB Games of some sort because I've had technology lust lately. (That's my next blogs topic) Alas we found no clothes, no ring, and no entertainment. I've decided that I'm officially done with jewelry stores. (Mostly because I feel uncomfortable stepping into a place I know nothing about. Like when you get your car fixed and you know nothing about it. You only know the mechanic is going to screw you.)

Where do you go when you can't find what you're looking for?
Wal-Mart! Within ten minutes, I had a ring in hand for cheap, with no hassle whatsoever. As much trash as I talk on Wal Mart, today I loved them.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Job Job Job

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've been hired at Wachovia Securities. I blew the interviewer away and was hired less than two hours after my interview ended. Things are finally looking up after a two month storm cloud of things going wrong.

Stay tuned:

Wedding Next Weekend (August 30th)
Job after that
Many parties in between
Pants optional for most of it.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Post Number 100- Shhh! It's a secret

Yes, I finally hit post number 100 for this blog. I've gained a couple fans along the way, and probably lost a few daily readers with the sheer volume of thoughts streaming from my head to the internet. Anyway, todays topic is clubs and secret societies.

I met with a recruiting office the other day because of a potential job opportunity with Monsanto. Even though I swore that I wouldn't use a recruiter, I'm now figuratively in bed with two. Why then did I go from 0 to 2? It all starts with a handshake as far as I can figure. Desperate recruiters bark like hungry dogs at the food source, also known as Big Company America. (BCA)

These recruiters promise to fill any open position with many qualified applicants as long as BCA won't hire outside of recruiters. Its like a secret fraternity of desperate dogs.

Speaking of fraternities, when I told the recruiter I was never in one, there was a face of disappointment. Like perhaps the doggie couldn't make the master happy enough with me. Like somehow spending my college life in a building with 50 other guys somehow made me more qualified. (Which they kept repeating that I didn't have enough experience or qualifications for anything until I ran the IT guantlet and repeatedly told them I was in fact qualified enough)

I've never seen the appeal of these exclusive clubs. I suppose sometimes you make great friends there. Sometimes there are benefits such as clubhouses or free drinks and parties. But I always like going my own way. As I grew older and learned my history, it became apparent to me that these exclusive clubs have always ran society in one way or another, and this country is especially fond of the secret society.

The Stone Masons practically ran the country in its birthing years with members like George Washington, James Monroe, and Ben Franklin. Who's to say they still aren't in power? Smiling George and Happy Go Lucky Bill might drop their party affilliations and enjoy a beer together once a month to have a laugh about the current state of the world and plan out the next 10 years.

Colleges prep young men (and women) to join these secret societies with such emphasis put on the benefits of fraternities. Members aren't allowed to talk about their initiation, what they do, and on the weekends they put on the I'm completely drunk front. Maybe I underestimated the hundred of drunk frat boys surrounding "the Place." Perhaps they were deciding which construction projects were next on campus and how much to pay the new dean.

That's the thing about secret societies, if they are really doing their job right, you won't even know they exist.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Exorcist... the True New Beginning

Yesterday while waiting for Sallie to get out of her interview, I picked up St. Louis' favorite free publication, "The Riverfront Times." After flipping past the pages of strippers and escort advertisements I found an interesting article on demonology.

RFT interviewed William Bradshaw, former pastor and college president (for four decades) and an expert on demonology. He never wanted to be a demonologist. He was more of an Old Testament scholar. His dissertation board in Scotland assigned Demons in the Old Testament as Dr. Bradshaws area of study. He was upset because he had hoped to study the dead sea scrolls, but now he was chasing ghosts. (He did eventaully get to study the scrolls as part of his research. Very interesting)

He talked about exorcisms, and how even though he knows more about demons than most, he doesn't feel he is prepared to perform one, although he says demons are among us, and exorcisms are sometimes necessary. Something that he reveals that I didn't know about Catholics, is every archdiosy is required to have at least one certified exorcist on hand. (St. Louis has two) Dr. Bradshaw goes on to say that the Catholics are the most prepared to perform this ritual because they have intense training. Even though this is interesting to me, this seems like 15th century vampire hunter stuff.

Anyway, the reason for this blog is because yesterday, briefly, I thought I needed an exorcism. You see, somehow Jimmy Buffett's "If you like Pina Coloda" was stuck in my head. Sallie and I just kept passing it back and forth between us. IT was hell! I thought about calling up St. Louis archbishop Raymond Burke, and having him send both exorcism performing priests immediately, but I was afraid of passing the curse to the church. Demons working from the inside is no good for the Vatican. Eventually it went away on its own, but I know it will resurface in the form of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" or "We're not Going to Take it" someday.

I had an interview with a recruiting firm yesterday. I was originally promised an interview with Monsanto, but left with potential interviews at about 15 other places. I have a feeling I've made a horrible mistake. I was drilled on IT related questions (while having explosive diarrhea incase you wanted to know) but I think I did pretty well. My knowledge only lacked with Office '07. We'll see what happens.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Parents most Concerned about Videogames

A poll conducted by What they Play recently found that parents are more concerned with their children playing videogames than drinking alcohol, watching pornography, or doing drugs.

The main reason found for this is parents don't understand videogames, controls, or understand what goes on in videogames. They do however know the risks of alcohol abuse and pronography. Classic case of "fear of the unknown."

I can understand parents being concerned about videogames, especially for younger kids, but more-so than pornography and underage drinking?

There are games like Grand Theft Auto where if the gamer so chooses you can kill police, steal cars, or deal drugs. I personally think that videogames give the ultimate test of morals. They take outside influences like prison, blood stains, squishy flesh piercing noises, and generally making the public hate you for being a seriel killer. So when you need to go save your brother in GTA, do you steal a car with someone in it, or do you steal the car on the side of the street where no one will get hurt? I pick the one on the side of the road. (This is also because it has a cool animation of you smashing the window with your elbow, and I don't have to chase a moving vehical.)

Some games like Fable and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) have a morality counter: Good Vs Evil. Sometimes it changes your outward appearance, how other characters react to you, or even the storyline. I always found myself going toward the good side first time through. I just get a rush being a hero and helping everyone I can.

On the flip side, maybe we can find the psychopaths or sociopaths early this way. Now that everything is connected to the internet, keep tabs on people that always go toward the evil side. Pull their cell phone records, set up cameras outside their house, and just know where they are at all times. I can already see the newspaper articles "Videogames cause 'Game Over' to Crime."

Anyway, I think in 15 years this poll will have a dramaticly different outcome. The major gamer market went from 8-22 year olds twenty years ago to 12-32 year olds today. Pretty soon parents will be punishing their children with virtual round house kicks to the face. If I ever have kids, I will definitly teach them to play games before how to ride a bike. If for nothing else, so I always have a gaming partner in house.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Official Blog of the Olympic Games

Yes ladies and gents, we are in the midst of yet another two weeks of international sports relations. This has been one of the most interesting Olympic games in recent history.

Is this because we've seen sportsmanship and record breaking performances? No... well kind of. But every Olympic games produces both. I think the last time the five multicolored rings didn't mean total sportsmanship was World War II. And with the new controversial Speedo technology that has everyone's... well Speedo in a bind, guaranteed we would see swimming like we've never seen it before.

Is this an interesting Olympic games because of the millions of sponsors that are all official "insert product here" of the 2008 Olympic games? Not really. I knew what was the official tampon of the 2004 games and what the official fastfood of the 2006 winter games were. This isn't new. Everyone is officially spending too much money to be official sponsors of the Olympics. McDonalds feeding the thousands of Olympians is highly ironic seeing as how most of the atheletes probably haven't had McDonald's since their parents threw them to some angry Russian coach when they were four.

It is interesting because China is trying to look buddy-buddy to the rest of the world, while Russia starts bombing the crap out of Georgia. (The country, not state. Otherwise this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to write about)

China has attempted to control the weather by seeding the clouds with chemicals. In the five or six years these scientists have been at work, they once had success. Last year, apparently they made it snow. Communist propaghanda perhaps? Or did they seed clouds over a mountain peek in the middle of winter. Either way, China is taking on God, and I think its entertainment at its best.

Then you have the four U.S. atheletes that came off the plane with face masks on to protect themselves from the smog. China tried to ease the thickness of the smog by outlawing driving your car, and getting those wonderful scientists to try to make it rain, but it just wasn't enough to appease these American atheletes. These people that have spent their entire lives prepping their body for these games, are shunned for trying to protect themselves further. I couldn't have apologized. I would've told everyone to shut up, and get a life. If people accept Prince dressing in solid velvet, than I should be able to wear a mask.

Then of course there were the government beatings to the 30,000 trying to buy tickets. The stabbing of a former U.S. Olympians father. The denied Visa of the Darfur protestor at Beijing airport. Michael Phelps winning and breaking records and not showing a sign of emotion. And "Smiling" George W. waving his cheap plastic American flag in the stands.

Russia has started systematically bombing oil lines that supply western countries (I.E. us and our allies) with oil in Georgia. Georgia tried to call for a cease-fire, but the Russian officials said they won't recognize it because they think the Georgian troops are regrouping and not retreating. What does this mean to us? Possible higher gas prices, but also if this doesn't stop, a possible conflict. You see, little Georgia is an ally of the United States. And Russia hasn't exactly been friendly with the U.S. in recent years. Therefore, if this continues to escalate, we could end up sending our own troops in to interject. Cold War number II?

Putin was on a plane going to the Olympics when the assault started, (which was started by Georgia I should point out.) but I have a feeling he was on his cell phone saying, "You know. We haven't pulled the trigger on someone in a while. Do it!"

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I realized how old I'm getting the past two nights waiting for Sallie to get off work. I found myself extremely bored and tried to figure out what I used to do when I waited for her to get off work. Then I realized I used to catch up with people via the cell phone. During college I had anywhere from 7-10 A-list friends and 10-15 B-list friends I could call after Midnight. Now everyone has big people jobs and have to wake up in the morning. I even found myself missing when I called someone that had been drinking all night and didn't make an ounce of sense.

Tomorrow we are going to visit the In-law grandparents and I'm excited. Thus far, every visit we've had, 400 people have been surrounding everyone and I haven't really had a chance to get to know them.

Sallie and I often argue about this in party form. I hate going to parties where I don't know anybody. Sallie's argument is "you meet people there."That's true, but you're not really meeting that person. You're normally meeting the drunker incoherent alter-ego of this person. Then the next morning you both wake up on some beer and puke covered floor and just feel awkward, like you had done something dirty. In fact, it was just two drunk people talking like they were best friends.

I guess I understand why pot heads don't like to be surrounded by strangers when they are smoking. (You know, besides the whole what if they're a cop thing) You aren't yourself, they aren't themself, so why would you want to get to know an entity?

Anyway, that's going on tomorrow. I still haven't heard back from any potential places of employment. Hopefully we hear something soon. A recent study of how much different popular degrees make on average just came out. Guess what was on the bottom: English. Turns out not only did I pick a useless degree, but one of the MOST useless degrees.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Where I've been

I've been neglecting both blogs the past week after bombarding everyone with one a day for a week. I've also been neglecting the phone a little. There are reasons for this.
The reasons for this neglect (at least for the phone) are A) even though we keep telling people that we don't have many daytime minutes, we are still getting too many calls everyday. Since there are some things that we have to answer more than others, I've refused to pick up calls unless I think they are an emergency. (That is until 7 oclock) Call twice in a row or text message if it is an emergency. But beware, don't cry wolf. I will stop answering completely.

B) Since Sallie and I are both unemployed we're getting to spend much needed time together. Since we were working opposite shifts, we had to spend the first six months of our marriage just missing each other. I was afraid that we would find out spending a ton of time together would ignite more arguments, but I don't think there's been many times where we have given each other problems since we've both had all day. So I mostly ignore my phone after 7 too because who knows if we will continue to be on the same schedule.

C) I've for the past day and tomorrow have been playing Metal Gear Solid 4. This is the only game (besides Resident Evil and Silent Hill) that I'm emotionally invested in the characters enough to drop everything to experience the story. The director and writer of Metal Gear wanted to get into movies originally, so its mostly a movie experience rather than a game. Therefore there aren't many places to pause or break. So if you call during a 45 minutes cutscene, I'm not going to answer, and will probably forget you called by the end of it. I'm sorry, that's just the skinny.

D) I just really don't like talking on the phone honestly. Its nothing against anyone, but I feel like I should be able to get more done while I'm on the phone. Next thing I know, I'm only saying "yeah, uh huh" and I'm cleaning the house or playing videogames not paying attention to anything you're saying. Thats just not fair to you or me.

If you really want to get ahold of me, call from a Sprint phone during the day, call my after 7 pm on Tuesday, or email me. I will answer your emails sooner than your calls. We will have up another joint blog in a day or two. We have a couple finished, but the other person has to add comments still. So get on our butts and we'll get one up.