Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Childhood Embarrassment: Leather Jacket Edition

I hung out at a cool corner bar in downtown Madison tonight and there was this girl there that reminded me of this high-school girlfriend named Kristi I very briefly had.

She was a total rebound girl after Rebecca and I broke up.

Completely the opposite of the type of person I normally dated.

She was a cheerleader, was always decked head-to-toe in pink, had a super high-pitched valley girl voice. When dated for about 3 weeks and in that 3 weeks we went to three high-school football games, went to the mall specifically to go into Clair's Boutique looking for more pink crap roughly 5 times, and one time when I played Pearl Jam's Black in the car one time, she started looking around and exclaimed, "It's like in my brain or something."

Needless to say, we weren't meant for each other. (She also got pregnant by her next boyfriend about six months later... so bullet dodged?)

The reason I bring this up is because at this time, I was wearing a leather jacket my grandpa gave me. He got this leather jacket from Pepsi points. I inspected it and the only place I thought it said Pepsi was on the back tag which was hidden most the time. So I thought I was pulling off this Pepsi jacket like I was Fonzi or something.

Kristi thought it was really cool. It wasn't until we broke up where a guy that sort of hung around my group realized the buttons had the Pepsi logo and he thought it was the funniest thing.

This guy ruined the entire facade. He started calling me "The Pepsi Challenge" and eventually got others to join in.

Usually I'm not one to buckle at pressure like this, but I soon hung the Pepsi jacket in my closet, leaving it behind when I moved to college.

I need a new coat this year. I was considering a leather jacket. Maybe this time I get one fitted for me without the product placement on it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Back to 2001

I had a really weird Sunday. Like really really weird. I might have noticed this more because Sal and I have been watching Back to the Future lately.

Started off "normal" enough when we went out to St. Chuck for Brett's birthday. We all had a good time, ate, generally just sort of eased into Sunday.

Then Sal and I made a run to MidRivers mall because she needed some new work clothes for a business trip coming up.

I, not really wanting to hang out in The Limited all day, split off from Sal and went to fun stores.

I didn't realize how weird the day was until Sal and I split off. I was standing in the former Borders (now V-Stock) in the section where the music biography books used to be. I spent hours in this section looking for a Nirvana or Kurt Cobain book I didn't have already.

I looked out over the parking lot at MidRivers mall. I could see the Ruby Tuesdays I used to split large cakes with. I looked at the former CD Warehouse where I bought Sublime's acoustic album and Goldfinger's self titled album. I started looking around V-stock. It was this weird shadow version of what Borders used to be.

I started feeling really weird, like I just miss these places. St. Charles has progressed passed my childhood. None of my favorite places are still around. I started just feeling really heart heavy for those lazy Saturday afternoons I'd spend wandering the mall, trying to decide what to spend the $30 in my pocket on.

The mall even had Sheryl Crow and Hootie and Blowfish playing over the speakers while advertising that the 90s were the trend again and you should buy overalls and fanny packs.

I went to Slacker's in the mall. It's designed strangely like the Slacker's that used to be in Chesterfield. But gone was Babbage's, the Wizard's Wagon, even GameStop left the mall. Tilt took down all of their bowling alley carpeting and black light decorations and modernized itself. (For whatever a modern arcade looks like.)

I even was wearing cargo shorts that I'm pretty sure I bought from Kohl's in 2003, shortly before going off to college.

The day ended seeing Blink-182 at RiverPort. (Or UMB Banklywood Theater or whatever it is now.) I was standing in the lawn, not far from where I stood seeing them and Green Day at the same venue in 2002.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

A September 2016 Update

It's been a while since I've written. That's still partially because I'm brain dead from work, partially because I traveled to Madison two weeks ago, and partially because we've been busy every weekend.

I think I'm getting to a better place than I was last time. I'm definitely still stressed out, but not as much. I've continued meditating. I don't know if I've had that breakthrough moment yet that everyone talks about where they hear the birds singing, notice how green the grass is, and become one with the universe.

But I have noticed other things. I notice when my shoulders relax, my heart slows down about 3 minutes into my daily meditation session. I've noticed myself fearing that call on Friday less, knowing there's nothing I can do about it, it's going to happen. If nothing else, I look forward to the mental break in the middle of the workday where I just sit straight and focus on breathing.

I think my mood is partially improving because we had a hint of autumn Friday and Saturday. It's my absolute favorite time of the year. There's so much cold weather in front of you. So little yard work. And Christmas is just around the corner.

The past two days have reminded us all that Missouri can be a fickle weather beast and rocketed well back into the high 90's, high humidity.

Changing the subject drastically, there's a really solid chance that two strangers will see me naked this week.

Got my first physical in roughly 7 years and my first dermatologist appointment in probably 12 years.

It's weird being in a second sort of second tweener stage. Sometimes I still feel like a young adult. I have student loan bills showing up every month, still like to go out and have some drinks on the town like some sort of Sex in the City character, and play a ton of video games.

But then sometimes you trip in Colorado and cause a ton of leg pain, notice new gray hairs in your beard, and start seeing people you know die of skin cancer.

There wasn't a good excuse for not going other than I was being lazy. A few years ago I started going to the dentist twice a year and eye doctor once a year again. Now that those feel normal, I figured I'd try to get the other visits into the normal rotation. Why the hell not? Might as well find out if something is wrong as early as I can.

Most likely the doctor is going to say I'm stressed and tell me some sort of yoga to do. It's usually his favorite answer. He's probably not wrong either. My posture has been terrible lately, I could use a good alignment.

Our house project to-do list grew exponentially while I Was in Madison for 9 weeks. I was getting tired of staring at it, so Sal and I finally did something about it.

We ripped down the wall in her office finally. It had some water damage from the very first year we lived in the house and was just sort of low on the priority list... you know, when your roof is ripped off, a lot of things start dropping on the priority list.

We sort of like the brick enough that I think we're going to grind the mortar our and redo it.

I've got one more trip to Madison this year, Blues hockey coming up, the 2nd annual Oktoberfest... just lot's of great things coming up.

Friday, August 12, 2016

The Eastern Arts of Relaxing

So I don't think it's been a secret that I've not been my normal happy self since I lost my job at Wells.

I wouldn't say I've been depressed, but it's been more of a constant state of anxiety and exhaustion. Since March, I think I've only woken up feeling refreshed maybe 25-30 times.

When I first lost my job, I combated the anxiety by working out a ton. I would run the 2 miles to the gym, bust out an hour workout, and run the 2 miles home. When Sal got off work, we'd go for a walk, maybe hit the gym a second time, and I was constantly cleaning and working on house projects.

This kept the endorphin's flowing enough to where the anxiety didn't paralyze me into a state where I was sabotaging myself interviewing for jobs as you all know, I landed another job pretty quickly.

I like my job a lot. I love the company and people. I know that it's going to click. Most of what balls up in my neck and chest is the anxiety of not knowing how to do my job. It's also this snowball effect of constant adult anxieties that have been building since essentially I started high-school. Every year, it gets a little larger, even when I see some relief in things causing the anxiety.

Now that I'm working again, at a pretty demanding job, I find my workouts have gone out the door. Heck, I'm lucky if I can get up from my desk for more than 2,000 steps a day. (Comparison, at wells, I usually ended the day with 3,500-4,000 steps)

So exercise isn't holding off the demon anymore.

So, getting desperate, I started trying some non-traditional things.

First, I went to acupuncture. I told them that both my leg still hurt and that I constantly felt stressed and tired.

They popped about 20 needles into my leg, arms, and head and I sat in a room for 45 minutes listening to calming string music and water moving.

I think I went to a different place during this. I went to some state of nirvana. The 45 minutes felt like 5. When they came to take the needles out I felt incredibly refreshed and ready to take on the weekend.

I'm going back today and there's some battery inside of me that is yearning for it.

The second thing I started doing it meditation.

A guy I listen to on a podcast started talking about how meditation has changed how he lives life and how it really relieved a lot of stress and anxiety. He had a hard time considering meditation because of the instant picture most people get in their head when you talk about it, IE people think of hippies with pony tails and Asian robes chanting while sitting cross-legged.

And that's why he recommended Dan Harris' "10% Happier" book. Dan Harris hates those hippy types, but meditation did change his life. So it's written from the perspective of an average Joe.

Dan is a news anchor personality who had an anxiety break-down on air after not working on his stress for years and started seeking ways to fix himself.

I've been doing it for about 10 days now. I wouldn't say I'm getting close to Nirvana, but it is nice to have 5 minutes a day with no noise, with my eyes shut, just thinking about breathing.

And it's starting to have an affect. Part of my anxiety and stress has come from the unknowns of the future, or dreading the future, or missing the past.

Every Sunday night, I start dreading signing into work Monday morning because I just don't feel relaxed enough.

I stare at how much we still owe on student loans, medical bills, and our car every other week and just feel like the balances will never be close to zero. It puts me in a very nihilistic frame of mind where I think, "Why am I on this hamster wheel at all? What's the point of working so hard if most your money is going to these things?"

And then nostalgia kicks in where I think about a simpler time like college. I was working 50 hours a week and going to school full time, but I knew what I was doing. I had relatively low debt. My rent was cheap. My body was in good shape and I just want to crawl back into 2006 like a warm blanket.

Meditating is about staying in the present as much as possible. It's not saying don't plan for the future and don't look back on the past with a smile, but it's saying recognize the moment you're currently living in. Realize how much you're enjoying that sandwich or how great the wind feels against your face while you ride your bike.

I'm starting to realize how much I lean on the future dread and the past. I haven't exactly figured out how to stop it from negatively affecting me yet, but the fact that I'm noticing it feels like real progress.

So I'm hoping by continuing acupuncture and meditation, I'll get to a good spot.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

That Mushy Brain

I can't wait to have some autopilot at my job.

I still love it a ton, but I still feel like I know very little. The application support borders on coding which I haven't done since high school. The business aspects of the job are understandable but out of my range of innate abilities.

Basically, I dread signing in every day because my brain hasn't recovered from the previous day.

I miss having 3-4 hours of my day where I could go on autopilot because I knew what I was doing. Right now, it's still 8 hours of new information. I actually don't know if I've ever had to concentrate for that long of a time.

My previous job, even when I was learning it, there was downtime between calls. I would come home tired, but not completely destroyed like I am now. I maybe had to concentrate 5 hours when I first started in tech support and browsed video game forums in between calls.

College, I maybe had to concentrate 3 hours a day if I had a heavy 3 class day.

High-school, hell, besides math, Spanish, and maybe a few science classes, I could auto-pilot the crap out of history, English, health, social studies. So besides having to wake up at the ungodly time of 5:45 am, it wasn't so bad. I maybe had to engage my brain for 2-3 hours a day.

And elementary school before that was was breeze. I was usually done with my work by 10 am, free to leisurely read in the bean bag chairs.

But right now, 8 hours is brutal. I can't wait until I just know a few things, just so I can run with something and with minimal brain effort get it done.

I miss wanting to do my hobbies outside of work.

Brewing, I really had to push myself to do that this weekend and I'm still exhausted from it.

Haven't written anything outside of a blog in nearly 4 months.

Even video games, a hobby where I can slouch down, drink coffee / beer, and save the world with relatively minimal effort has been hard to do.

There are times where I start fearing that I'm slipping into an early mid-life crises. I start thinking, I may never have the energy to push myself to do something awesome again. Is this what there is? Is this what that angry, trapped feeling 15 year old couldn't wait to have access to?

I turn 32 next week. 32! I thought for sure I would be a cartoonist, a musician, a great American writer by now. I felt like I had the talents but never developed them enough. Never pushed them enough. But I never felt it was the end of the line on those until recently, and that scares me.

But I know it will pass. Everyone I've talked to says it is really hard for six months and then it just sort of clicks. It's really the thing that keeps me coming back because I really do like my co-workers, I liked the company, I can believe in the company, but my brain constitution just wants to give up and let me go work at a Chipotle... because they have some dope burritos and that would be the easy way.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Pokemon Go Biker Gangs

Sal and I both recently got bikes. We haven't had any since we first moved into our house and discovered and our garage door was on the same frequency as someone else's. We discovered this when one Friday, I wandered outside with a beer, saw the door wide open, and both our bikes and scooter taken.

So we have bikes again and are determined to use them. And we had a blast.

Our general rule has been live where you play with our goal being that you park your car on Friday and try not to get back into it until Monday.

We hate driving. We hate when things are so far apart that you have to drive.

We've managed to live this way pretty well for the past 4-5 years. If it's less than a 60 minute walk, we're good with walking. If it's a nice autumn day, we may walk 90 minutes somewhere.

But having bikes has opened up a giant part of the city.

This coincided with a dumb phone game called Pokemon Go coming out. It's a game where you success depends on you getting out of your house, seeing some cool landmarks around you, and going to catch fake creatures in populated areas.

I was never a huge Pokemon fan as a kid, so I wasn't nearly as pumped as 50% of my Facebook friends, but being someone that doesn't like to miss pop-culture phenomenons too often, I figured I'd download it and at least see what this thing is.

We rode our bikes over 30 miles this weekend. It was a new perspective on a lot of our normal haunts. You start noticing buildings you've not before, cool graffiti, cut through roads that make sense on a bike. Hell, you start memorizing street names and get a feel for how the city actually fits together.

We went to Union Loafers for lunch Saturday, road through Dutchtown, down Broadway to Perennial Artisan Ales for afternoon drinks with my brother, then back home for some pizza and board games with friends.

Sunday we woke up early and went to Cafe Osage in the Central West End with our family and then over to Forest Park and the zoo cutting through Tower Grove Park on the way back.

And there were tons of people outside. Groups of 15-35 year olds were wandering as a group, pulling their phone up every few steps to see if new Pokemon jumped up.

Sal and I hung out by a memorial bench in the zoo talking to a 6 year old girl and her mom catching water Pokemon together.

We swapped tips of where rare Pokemon were with a group of 30 year olds wandering from pavilion to pavilion in Tower Grove park.

There were groups of people, laughing, collecting Pokemon, and because the app needs to run for stuff to happen, they were actually having conversations instead of checking their Twitter feeds. This game is bringing back this sense of community that I remember as a kid, but was starting to think it never really existed.

And yes, I heard about the robbery in Ofallon. And yes, someone did stumble upon a dead body while searching for Pokemon. (CNN Story of both, be warned, it has an auto-play video)

Guess what, when you leave your fortress and go outside, you might scrap your knee, you might get robbed or hit by a car, and you might see some really cool stuff in your city.

It's like the news channels are trying to scare people back inside to watch more news and sell more advertising or something.

But I've also seen the positive. Besides people getting out and talking to their neighbors I've seen Pokemon forums suggesting litter pickup days while searching for Pokemon. I've seen people suggest charity events. I've seen people post testimonials about how they were depressed and just couldn't find a reason to leave the house. And I've seen people say this is the most exercise they've had in years.

Yeah, Pokemon Go is an overall broken and dumb game. But it's getting people to do stuff they haven't done since basically the internet became widespread, and that to me is pretty cool.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Hotel Life

Sal left not too long ago. It sucked. It definitely highlighted how tired I am of the hotel life.

I'm getting irritated at not being able to cook whatever I want to, when I want to.

I'm tired of hearing the AC unit kick on and off every 90 seconds.

I'm getting tired of the TV that always defaults to HLN, turns itself off on an auto-timer after 2 hours, and has sound going up and down while you're watching.

I'm getting really tired of paying $20 for 2 mbps internet and not being able to stream stuff from my favorite website.

I'm tired of listening to music from my phone speakers.

I'm just tired and I know Sal is too.

It especially hit when I got an email reminder of a few things I would need to get from Amazon to work from home. I was supposed to be able to go back to St. Louis this week, but some in person meetings were booked. I'll unfortunately be up here for the full 9 weeks. Only 4 to go.

Sal and I had a good time.

We sort of made up for all the time apart and did probably too much while she was here.

It's a shame that I'm feeling so tired of being here because the weather today is about perfect. 68 degrees, nice breeze, enough cloud cover to not burn, but enough sunshine to feel the warmth.

Only 29 days until I sleep in my own bed again. It's a mantra I repeat to myself every time I'm feeling lonely, frustrated, and isolated.

Hotel life definitely loses that glamour when you're living in a room for more than a couple days.