Wednesday, March 19, 2008

21 Hours of Training and the Daydreaming that comes Along

This week has been spent crammed in a small room with 31 other individuals for 9 hours a day watching pathetic sexual harrassment videos and great driver safety tips. Most of this training has nothing to do with the education department and more to do with the nursing and res tech staff. Basically 1 out of 9 hours a day pertained to me.

So a little more about these training videos. I found out that I work for a private health care company that makes 2.5 billion dollars a year and are expanding at all times. (Basically confirms that I will be a just number to anyone in a suit) Our training videos even had a healthy amount of product placement thanks to the fine people at Staples and Lays potato chips. Really? Does a multi-billion dollar company need to sell advertising in their low budget, horribly performed, 15 minute training videos?

Today was the third day of training and I could tell. Around noon, one of the higher ups was discussing research and patient care and I started zoning out, daydreaming a fantasy of mine. Somewhere deep below our facility lurks the weapons developement and biological experiment labs... a.k.a. ZOMBIE FACTORY! These guys talking to us know their dark secret but share none of it with the lowly employees. There is no zombie disaster training. No mention of Basement Levels Alpha 5 or the need for Security level 5 clearance. No, they give you a ring of keys saying you have access to everything. At least everything the shareholders need to know about.

Then one day the facility is rocked by what feels like an explosion from the core of the Earth. The lights flicker and the backup generators flip on. Soon, the res techs are shouting to round up the children on the bus and get to safety, but its too late. The zombies have killed all in the labs and have made their way to the surface. Fire alarms are pulled, 911 called, but nothing will contain the disaster short of divine intervention. My guess is God watches, slapping his forehead, turning to J.C. who shrugs his shoulders and says, "I told you they would bring the apocalypse on themselves."

Luckily for my place of employment, I know how to take zombies down. After I've finished saving about two dozen employees and patients I unhook the fire axe from its resting place and descend to the lower levels. I turn one last time toward the scared survivors, whom all stare on in awe at their hero, who know wears a ripped black undershirt wielding the axe like it was just another day. The flashing red alarm bounces off my face as I give them a wink and click the button that says Basement Level 5. The heart of the facility....

Then I wake. I desperately need to get out of the last day of training on Friday. I make up a story about how I have friends coming in Thursday night and would like to spend time with them. The lady running the thing likes me because I've helped her figure out how to work her videocamera. She instantly feels empathetic and tells me I can just borrow the videotapes of Friday's training. I'm free...

Kind of. I need to take the cats into the vet to get their nails clipped and to get Sliders second set of shots and Crash's nose looked at. Then I need to get the oil changed in the car and work my Sun News job. Just another day off in the life of Dan.