Monday, March 17, 2008

My Achy Breaky Eyes

Today I just want to talk about how much I hate the most recent Disney phenomenon, Hannah Montana. I remember my days in high school where Even Stevens and Lizzie McGuire ruled the Disney airwaves. Both shows were intelligent, legitimately funny (I skipped my SCC classes one day to see the Lizzie McGuire movie... in Theater) and had good characters. Then some show with Ravon Samone came on the air, and Disney became home of the lazily written, obvious plot, slapstick trash comedy. Soon Zack and Cody were running amuck in a hotel (accompanied by a horrible theme song to the melody of the classic Sweet song "Ballroom Blitz") and the Cheetah Girls were lip syncing their way through a boring playlist.

I remember when Disney produced Grammy award winning soundtracks and Academy Award winning movies like the Lion King, now the commercial breaks are filled with the likes of the Jonas Brothers and Ally and A.J. (I think thats their names, but they are disgustingly sweet for their ages. Come on, the world should have corrupted you at least a little bit by now girls)

But onto my subject. I hate Hannah Montana. I don't necessarily hate Miley Cyrus, who is now a 15 year old Millionaire and her annoying father Billy Ray who wrote that extremely annoying "Achy Breaky Heart" song, but the amount of whoring Disney has done... it's maddening.

Wal Mart for example (I've already ranted about how much I loathe Wal Mart, but still return for those rolled back prices) has Hannah Montana sticker kits, dolls, coloring books, movies, video games, cereal, sandals, shoes, clothing, books, dvds, temporary tattoos, and tonight I even found them playing an episode on the ole' high definition tvs. She always either has the "I'm pretending to sing in a microphone in my pleather pink jacker" or the "I'm pretending the camera isn't there by rolling my eyes up and to the left while wearing my blue and black nylon stretchy shirt." I just want to punch her in her crooked teeth sometimes.

My last item of discussion is I was giving a similar rant to Lacy at Wal Mart a couple nights ago. Less than two seconds after giving the rant, whilst (good word, I high-fived myself) standing next to a Hannah Montana impulse buy display or all the aforementioned (another good word) products a little girl came running up with bright eyes, "Mom, look at the Hannah Montana stuff." The mom rolled her eyes and said, "yes." So, my theory is Hannah Montana is creating a generation of alcoholic parents trying to blur the amount of Hannah in their lives, and dooming the younger generation to a life of hair extensions and football to the nuts type jokes.