Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Rockstar No More

Its weird, I realized that I will never be the rock star I thought I'd be. I'll never play coffee houses, concert halls, or stadiums that only four years ago I thought I'd be playing by now. I thought that's how I would change the world. I thought that I would write songs that would make people stop and say, "I feel the same way."

I realized it unfortunately after drinking a bottle of wine. I can understand, although not agree with, rockstars turning to drugs. When you don't have that little voice holding you back, something deep and true can come out.

I pulled out the guitar and started strumming chords that eventually made a song that sounded like what I was feeling. This is a strange phenomenon that I remember having weekly in college. The guitar does weep as the Beatles say. It can also celebrate, be angry, pull your inner thoughts from your subconscious and into a melody.

To me, it sounded beautiful. It sounded true. Then Sallie asked if I could stop playing so she could hear the television. I was immediately pulled back into the domestic life I've landed. I wasn't pissed. I wasn't sad. I was simply pulled into my future. I knew that I could never tour the country becuase I could never leave Sallie. I knew that I would never have those moments rockstars talk about on Behind the Music where I formed a heroin addiction and abandoned my family. This isn't a bad thing. I didn't become the famous voice of a generation I always pictured, but that's because I'm in a place where those songs just don't make sense.

To me, this is sad and happy. From freshman year of high school until junior year of college I felt comfortable in my dark place. It's where I could create. It's where I could grow. It's where I could live. I try to return there sometimes to get what I consider my best writing. Every time I return though, I find it harder and harder to stay there for extended periods of time. Does this mean my creative career is coming to an end? I hope not. I hope that I can remain creative in a time of light.

It's healthy though to sometimes throw a C and A minor chord together and just feel sorry for myself.