Zip Up Those Abs

Sallie and I have been literally busting our butts to get into shape. Every year we pack on the pounds from about November to March and then spend all summer working off the extra pounds. This year, we've held each other accountable for working out. However, running is just not an option when its 18 degrees out. If your joints are freezing, stay inside for God's sake.

So we turned to those horribly written workout videos with the synthesizer/cheap keyboard backing soundtrack.

Being the man that I am, I want my home workouts to feel manly. I picture a rusty workout bench, in a moldy dark damp basement. Maybe with some graffiti on the wall. Yeah, a real prison gym. It should smell like sweat, blood, and tears.

The closest workout video is Tae Bo. Billy Blanks will yell at you and tell you that you aren't working hard enough. He's been known to count so hard that space shuttles have launched preemptively hundreds of miles away. He'll tell you you're doing good. After he's done punishing every muscle in his body, he offers up a prayer thanking the lord for not exploding your chest. My abs burn just thinking about.

So Sallie tried this with me a few nights ago. She liked it and was sore for three days afterwards.

She had made a comment about how Denise Austin is much like this, and wanted me to try the video with her. Being the good compromising husband I am, I went along with the kickboxing.

I started doing the warm up moves, but couldn't get into it. At first I couldn't figure out why, but I've now detailed why it was hard for me to get into Denise Austin.

A) She's a woman. Yes, this is a little sexist, but there is something man affirming when getting screamed at by a guy twice your size while working out.

B) She often would change up what you were doing without warning. I'm kicking forward only to look up and see that Denise is doing some sort of ribbon dancer crap with her arm and now kicking sideways.

C) Every few moves, Denise likes to throw a small pelvic thrust in. I'm a dude. It's not dancing for me, its doing inappropriate things in a room occupied by my wife and two cats.

D) She looks like a soccer mom. I half expect to be invited out for Starbucks after our workout. I should only expect to be called a wuss and spat on after my workout.

Anyway, I'm getting/staying in shape. We've both lost a lot of weight, so whatever we are doing seems to be working. I promised to attempt one more Denise Austin video before writing her off completely, but I think for the winter months I'm either sticking with Billy Blanks or going Rocky style and running in the cold in a sweatsuit.