Sunday, December 7, 2008

Journey to the Center of the Mall

Today we tried to finish up some Christmas shopping that needed to be done. The malls were nowhere near as bad as they were a few years ago, but it was still humanity at its worst.

"Welcome to West County Mall" sign might as well have said "When There's No Room Left in Hell, the Dead will Roam the Mall."

The parking lot was a no man's land of people driving around for an hour looking for that parking spot that's just a little bit closer. Some shelling out the $5 for Valet parking. People that didn't have the war-worn brain that comes from holiday shopping, moved to the top of the parking garage and walked a few extra feet. That was the option I took.

We walked into the heavy Dillards doors (mostly because the parking lot is always half empty at Dillards.) that are much heavier than the doors leading into Jurassic Park. JP had to keep the dinosaurs in, what's Dillards' excuse? Are they trying to keep their few customers confined?

It was an odd population. No one really thinking, stopping in the middle of aisles. Cursing without realizing it. Christmas spirit was in full swing as people swiped cards that had no money attached to them.

Anyway, we moved next into Victoria's Secret because Sallie had a little bit of gift card left. I stood in the background while she manuevered the crowd.

Fifty or so ravenous women ripped apart the drawers at Victoria's Secret hoping to find a steal. Men followed around like dogs on chains. Staring at the lacy lingerie imagining their women in them. Inevitably the women pick up the plain, unsexy pajama pants. They elbow husbands to show them what they come to Victoria's secrets for. The men are always dissapointed when they offer up the almost non-existant thong, and the girlfriend instead hands them the $120 towel robe.

Victoria's Secret is so diabolically genius it hurts. Women love their lotions and overpriced pajamas. Men's brains seizure with the amount of pink on the walls. The manikins appear real for brief seconds in the extremely see-through two piece with leggings. I was smart. I stood just outside of the confusion zone and witnessed this disturbance firsthand. We lost many men this weekend... let us pray for their wallets

We scour the crowds looking for an EB Games with a microphone, a Sprint Store where we could change our numbers to St. Louis area codes, and a Delia's to grab a few items. The EB Games didn't have a microphone, the Sprint store was non-existant, and Delia's wasn't in this mall.

This was like the allies fighting their way to Germany, and then deciding it wasn't hard enough and fighting their way back to French beaches.

With HWY 40 being closed and not wanting to deal with Manchester, we had to drive 270, to 44, to Kingshighway, to 40, to Hanley, to Clayton road to get to the Galleria. A giant loop only to be tossed into an even larger parking lot with holiday shoppers.

The lesson I've learned... next year 100% of my holiday shopping will be done online.