Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"I Don't Cheer for Whores!"

That's what one of Beth's young friends said about the opening act, Demi Lovato, at tonight's show, and I couldn't agree more. I guess she really wasn't slutty looking, but she is apparently Disney Channel star, which isn't far off nowadays.

The first thing I noticed was the entire crowd at Riverport (or UMB Bank Pavilion/Verizon Wireless Amphetheater) was pretty much composed of tweens and their parents that think tie-died shirts are still cool concert-wear.

The next thing I noticed was a large amount of obese young children. Its disgusting honestly. There's a reason why America is the fattest country in the world, because parents let it happen. Sallie noticed that the line to Papa Johns pizza within the amphitheater was filled with this fat people all buying their own personal pizza. Not only were a large number of these girls overweight, but an even larger number were dressed like... well whores. They had tons of make-up on, tween cleavage hanging out, and baby Gap thongs sticking out of their pants. What has surburbia done to parenting?

I think beer sales for the night were higher than that of Ozzfest. Every parent stuck at this concert from 5:30 until 11 slammed beer after beer. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the kids won't live to see their next Jonas Brothers show.

Since Verizon Wireless now sponsors the venue, you could pay several dollars and get a text message put up on the 8 or so giant televisions. 95% of them was some variation of "Emily, Abby, Kaytie, and Jilly LOV (Insert first name of Jonas bro) Jonas. Scream if you love (Insert name again) Jonas <333" Then all of the girls in the stadium would scream. Out of the 200 text messages displayed, 150 of them all commanded the crowd scream or holla'. All 150 times the crowd erupted into eardrum piercing shrills. It never got old for them.

The first act, Demi Lovato wasn't bad, but I didn't want to see her. Her being there meant the show was going to be 30 minutes longer than I wanted. Then the surprise of the night, Avril Lavigne wasn't the headliner. She opened for the Jonas Brothers and you can tell she didn't like it. She had this disgustingly fake smile, showed very little energy. She even toned down her songs for the PG crowd... I guess to the happiness of baby eared tweens everywhere. This is Avril Lavigne. She doesn't use enough cursing to get a Parental Advisory sticker, but she skipped songs with adult messages and instead went for the "girl power" show.

Lastly was the Jonas Brothers. For those of you who don't know, these guys are the newest sensation in the tween market. They're clean, they're Christian, and they're gorgeous. They kept showing videos of the brothers talking about what its like being on the road and being brothers, and I'm sure it was interesting, but anytime one of their smiling faces appeared on screen, 20,000 girls screamed at the top of their lungs.

The three brothers came out on stage, but disappointingly only one brother, little Nick Jonas, wore a tie. (And what a tie it was, burnt orange with black, gray, and white stripes.) How long does it take a Jonas Brother to lose a tie? According to the text messages I was sending to people about 37 minutes. Ole Nicky loosened the tie when he sang a song on the piano about his diabetes. Yes, the Jonas Brothers take up causes.

At one point studmuffin Joe pulled a little four year old girl on stage to sing a song with him. She flipped out, and only managed to sing about 75% of the words. Then when Joe would touch her, excitement would take over her hands and she would wave them wildly in front of her face. ADORABLE!

They actually put on a pretty entertaining show. (Even the ugly one, Kevin.) They had fireworks, pyrotechnics, raising platforms, 15 person backup band, acrobatics, and their 10 minute diabetes documentary. (Little Nick is type 1, for those of you quickly becoming fans)

Overall I was fairly entertained. People watching was at its best, and if it wasn't for the Shania Twain song the brothers covered, I might have gained some respect for the band. Apparently, for the moment, these guys are like Elvis or the Beatles. Girls were actually crying during the concert, and from what I can tell, they weren't tears of pain like one would believe. And until the next big tween sensation pops up (I'm guessing its going to be Megadeath or Slipknot) the Jonas Brothers will reign supreme. Then they will join the ranks of Debbie Gibson, New Kids on the Block (yep their back on tour), N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Vanilla Ice, Menudo... just look at the cassette tapes you've owned. Most of them are prime examples. At least we know VH1 will have a nice rebirth waiting for them on the Surreal Life or Behind the Music.