Saturday, April 12, 2008

Confidence will do that to you

I've been listening to my "Thinking Playlist" for the past hour or so while clouds have rolled in to block out the 80 degree sunshine we've had all day. I named this playlist such because the songs contained for some reason make me think about things. I usually listen to it when I want to write (which I did and now I'm doing again) or when I'm feeling a bit down.

Examples of songs on list just in case you want to create one of your own and don't know where to start.
Ben Folds: "Still Fighting It"
Wilco: "Misunderstood"
Radiohead: "Exit Music (For a Film)"
Modest Mouse: "World at Large"
Jimmy Eat World: "Hear You Me"
Smashing Pumpkins: "Drown"
Pete Yorn: "All At Once"
Bob Marley: "Redemption Song"
Collective Soul: "Run"
The Cure: "A Letter to Elise"

Anyway I started thinking about all that has changed in the past year, mostly relationships that have moved on or are nonexistent. Really I've been thinking about other people and their relationships and I just want to throw some thoughts out on the subject.

Why do people find it hard to move on after a relationship has ended? Actually, a more important question, why do people force themselves to stick with a relationship that is obviously poisoned? The thing I see the most is the self deprecating lack of confidence most people have in themselves. The heartbreak burns through the stomach lining until it damages the soul. There isn't a cure for heartbreak other than moving on, and sometimes that doesn't entirely fix it. Its something that will always exist in humans. Why did she cheat on me? Why wasn't I good enough for him? I'm so ugly, fat, worthless...

Confidence is a weird thing. They say you can't make it anywhere in life, especially the business world without confidence, but does anybody truly have cut throat confidence or are some just more willing to take the jump off a cliff more than others? I think everyone is afraid of taking steps that deviate from the normal routine. Inside every big business suit is a quivering little child. Every person that has dumped someone, freaks out when the dumpee finds someone new just like anyone else would. Life's not about being confident necessarily, its about cocking your smile like a loaded gun, acting like you don't care, making people think that you know something they don't. Sure life is going to crap on you thousands of times in your life, but think about the millions of happy things in between those crap times. They don't affect you as much as the crap, which is why you tend to become completely hopeless when the crap starts. You stop remembering how lucky you are and you start the pity party. "I can't find a job, no one will ever love me, I'll never make it in life."

My response... piss off!
Do me a favor, turn on your iPod. Just by owning this device you are already more financially stable than 50% of the world. Just by pulling out the iPod. Push play.
Listen to that.
That song is something you love. That song was written for you. How lucky are you? You can hear that music, you have it better than hundreds of thousands that can't hear.
Feel the sun shine down on your skin, or each rain droplet pounding against your clothes. You only have to worry about the weather in terms of how long will it take me to get from my car to my house. You don't have to worry about dying because of exposure like thousands of others.
Sing along to this song. Sing as loud as you can. You have a voice to fight whatever is causing you pain while so many others on this planet die silently, only to be buried in shallow graves and while the earth tears their body apart, they eventually are forgotten.

By my calculations you have it better than probably 70% of the world. I have no cure for heartbreak, loneliness, or depression. Just try to remember you have it pretty good. One person might not like you anymore, but for that one person that doesn't like you, there are at least ten people willing to listen and help you in anyway they can. Today sucks, but what about yesterday when you were laughing and having a great time with friends, before this one person was going to ruin your week. Think about the last time you felt this way. Maybe your last relationship. You were in pain then too, but guess what, you moved on and found the light at the end of that deep hole.

I don't know. I just have noticed that a lot of people around me have been beating up on themselves and depressed. I've been through some of the darkest depressions anyone can imagine, and I can only offer some advice that in the end helped me. I'm trying to pay it forward. Sorry its such a jumbled mess of thoughts, but the mind is a jumbled mess of thoughts most the time. Read James Joyce's Ulysses. Its written from the point of view of one guys mind for one day and that book is several hundred pages long. And here we go again, I jumble up the conclusion with side thoughts. Point proven: brain thinks of way too many things at once. Don't focus on one.