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Monday, January 11, 2010

But I don't wanna go to church

I don't know why, but church, as long as I can remember, has been a difficult experience for me. I somehow associate church with subconscious bad feelings. I go, but the entire time, no matter what denomination, no matter what time, I go into those buildings tense as can be. My brain sort of shuts down. I'm able to hear, and take in, but unable to interact.

This weekend was no different.

The lesson was about using the gifts that god gave you. If you're a great teacher, you need to teach. The preacher was asking us to examine what it is that we are great at and to embrace it. To me, I suppose, that's writing.

So I paid attention to half the sermon, but then my mind quickly went to working on a chapter in my novel that I've had a horrible case of writer's block on for weeks now, and I somehow was able to work it out in church. Is it some sort of divine intervention?

Normally I can only write when I'm feeling a bit depressed. Normally I can create an artificial "Sadness" with music. The only other time I feel this "inspiration" is when I go to church. I don't know what the connection is there? Is this God's way of showing me my talent or does some traumatic childhood event that I've associated with church actually make me sad every time I go to church to where I come out ready to write.

Would the preacher blame me for only half paying attention since his lesson was about using God's gifts?

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