This week I finally put an ending on that novel I've been working on for 5 years. I now need to go back through, make sure it all makes sense, and get someone to buy it.
When I first started my novel, I had an ending, but not the actual story. Over the five year period I kept that ending at the bottom of the document, assuming I was going to connect it to the rest of the story eventually. Strange that a story loosely based on your love life could change so drastically in a few years. My original ending was one that offered the option of hope, but didn't show a glimmer of it. The newer ending is much more hopeful.
Anyway I didn't think the old ending was a bad one, but like I said it doesn't fit anymore. And as I was reading it I thought, this almost works as a blog... obviously if you remove the character names that none of you know. I figured it deserves to see the light of day. So here it is, the original ending for my novel:
...That’s the funny thing about memories and love, you always seem to exaggerate a little bit in your favor. You always want to be as much of the hero as you possibly can, so you tell a little lie here and there and you exaggerate how much you got screwed and how much you loved her. Time passes and eventually you start believing your little lies and they seem to grow more and more until you have this memory that glows with the most magnificent illumination. It will always be the most pure feelings you can ever feel and nothing will ever compare to them again.
I have this sunken feeling that I will never meet someone that I love as much as Sarah. This hole in me I wish to fill with something, cement maybe. Sometimes I feel like I’ve met the girl of my dreams, but she is in my dreams. A fantasy world that is so much less cruel than the real one. She is unattainable, at least right now. Maybe my fairytale will work out and my angel will finally choose the obvious choice that has been in front of her all along. Maybe I’m completely wrong and I will continue to sabotage my relationships hoping she will eventually love me like I love her. I might continue trying to make love to this memory. Maybe I just like the comfort of a crush gone on too long. I found someone that made me forget about her, just for what seems to be a moment, and I needed it emotionally. Is that how I know when I’ve found true love? The one that makes me forget my crushing crush, my unattractive attraction, is the woman I’m meant to be with.
Love like a memory seems to blur the reality. Can I really know what love is or when I’m feeling it? Does it just come down to the moments of feeling you get every time you see that person? Or is it that person you think about even when they aren’t there? Is love perhaps just a continued lust and a fear of being alone? I don’t know these answers and probably never will. Everyone’s definition of love is different. It comes down to the personal experiences. To me, Sarah was my definition of love, but to Sarah it was Tom, the asshole frat boy. Maybe he isn’t so bad. I did meet him with an extreme bias against him. It probably has something to do with my obsession with Sarah and my innate hatred of frat boys. Either way, I didn’t give the guy a fair chance. He will forever be in my memories as the man that made Sarah cry, not the guy that made Sarah happy enough to be with him. And then a funny thing happened, she married someone like me. Someone I actually thought was deserving of her.
Was my ending a sad one? I tend to think of it as growing up. Sure I’m still single, and the sting of heartbreak is still fresh, but another Sarah will come along, and I’ll move on. I know one thing, I’m getting too old to pick up freshman girls that sneak into bars. I need to meet someone that can keep me entertained.
3 years ago