Monday, December 16, 2013


America is a fat country. Hundreds of scientists, nutritionists, politicians, and parents have opinions on why this is, how we can fix it, etc. It's not as simple as eating more natural food or working out. It's a host of things.

  • Two person working households: Sometime between 1940 and 1965, American's used to be able to live a comfortable suburban life on one income. Inflation, the economy tanking in the 70's, the globalization of manufacturing, among other things, brought females into the workforce.

    This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there's no one to cook good meals anymore, or do the chores during the day, or run errands. If I didn't work from home, Sallie and I would most likely eat out three times a week, because there just wouldn't be time to do anything else. It's no wonder a vast amount of the population wants to sit in front of a TV staring into space. We are essentially doing 3 people's work per household.
  • Eating out used to be an event: When I was a kid, you didn't usually just pick McDonald's up and bring it home. It used to be an event. It only happened every now and then and when it did, you sat down in those greasy plastic seats, ate your Happy Meal, and then played on the Playland. Most McDonald's don't even have Playlands anymore.
  • Portions and Price: One thing I noticed in Britain was they preferred smaller meals in which you could choose a few different things to combine for a meal. People say it's more expensive in Britain, but without paying a tip, it was essentially the same price, unless you try to build an American sized meal.  I didn't work out in England. In fact, I was still on crutches. I drank a lot of beer and hung out. Somehow, came back 3 lbs lighter.

    Here, we have Hardees bragging about their 4 lb Man Burgers that are served with six inches of french fries and washed down with a 32 oz soda. Here, you can buy 2400 calories worth of Krispy Kreme donuts for about $7.50.

    And from working in restaurants, often people just eat stuff on their plate because it was there. I'm talking 1250 calorie meals. And, those same people would usually order an appetizer and throw that food away.

  • We are scooter fat: I remember watching wrestling as a kid and thinking some wrestlers were fat. You either had your Hulk Hogan's with all the muscles or your Hacksaw Jim Duggan's, who had a pot belly.

    Even with his pot belly, you looked at that guy and knew he could still swing a hammer. That's a dude that could still run 100 yards and play a game of pickup football.

    Now, people are soft fat and have to rely on scooters to get around. It's like we gave up on the simplest way to burn calories, walking, and are just like, "Whatever man, I'm American."

  • Processed and unbalanced: GMO's have people up in arms. We don't know truly the health risks involved with playing god with our seeds and probably won't know for some time.

    Processed foods and chemicals are another issue. We know it's not good. When you grab one of those little cupcakes, and the first ingredients are high fructose corn syrup or red 5, we've got a problem. How is the body supposed to process that? It's not as if food was healthy 50 years ago. I have a Betty Crocker cookbook from the 60's and most the recipes contain entire sticks of butter or lard.
  • GTFO of the House: Picnics, swim pools, pick up games in the park... we used to be outside. Now we sit in an office all day and on the couch all night.

    Need proof? The rise of gyms and personal trainers. Didn't need as many gyms when you were getting functional exercise. How many of you have back and neck problems now? Bet you sit hunched over a desk most days and have a little extra weight on the front end.
  • Education: Health class is taught by disgruntled, underpaid and under-appreciated gym teachers, often caught in the middle of a political debate as to whether or not teach real sex education or which constantly changing food pyramid is the correct one.

    If it weren't for Sallie's insatiable love of health and nutrition, I would have never started paying attention to what I eat. I would also be 32 lbs heavier and feeling like hell. 
The most often thing asked when someone comes to our house and looks through our pantry is, "Do you have any snacks?" 

What they really are asking is, "Where are the pretzels, Cheetos, Cream Pies, and M&Ms?" When Sal and I answer, "we have carrot sticks" or "there are plain tortillas and salsa" you would swear we just told someone their entire life was a pointless ruse. 

Many Americans have this entitlement that we can eat and drink just straight crap, pay almost nothing for it, and then sit on the couch watching sitcoms. We are Americans, not gods. Our bodies have already started breaking down. 

For a country that often sees itself as the greatest country in the world, this super hero to everyone else, we're rewriting Superman to have a 46 waist. Soon, our greatest asset is going to be the gorgeous breasts our men sport and the way our women's cottage cheese butts glisten in the California sun.