Sunday, July 11, 2010

Weeds - Satan's Little Garden

Why are weeds the only plant that doesn't have to follow natures rules for plants?

Seriously, that are 5,000 laws of nature that make botany truly a fine are.

For instance, someone gives you a bunch of flowers. To transfer those flower to a vase you must cut them at a 45 degree angle, under luke-warm running water, and immediately get them into that vase. Even then, I rarely can keep those flowers alive. Two days later there's a vase filled with dying, rotting, smelly former flowers that are losing petals all over the kitchen table.

Or trees, earths mightiest of plants. You don't want to cut into them or just remove a few branches because inevitably they'll get a disease and you get a termite infested, dying tree.

Even grass, which is a weed, but a weed everyone loves. If you cut it too short, or on a particularly hot day, or you water with when the sun is out, that thing is going to turn into a brown, patchy yard carpet.

Yet every week I go outside, pull, prune, and spray weeds. The little bastards keep coming back. They're the zombies of botany. Unless you shoot them right in the brain, the bastards are coming back and look... they probably bit your neighbor. Now there's two of them.

Often times they put you into a sticky situation where something you love eating, like lettuce, all of a sudden has a few weeds in between the leaves. They break all laws of gravity, physics and life science. They almost appear to be living in the air sometimes, just to remain protected by the wanted plant. You stare at it like a surgeon, wondering if you can remove it delicately enough. Someimtes you can, sometimes you uproot the lettuce.

I recently started chemical warfare.

I spray the bastards, go out the next day to remove the dried out carcass, only to find I must have missed some minuscule amount of root, because three days later its back, larger, seemingly immune to chemicals, mocking me as I get on the scooter and ride to work, only to wage war again the next weekend.