Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pee Breaks

So there's this guy at my work that no one else seems to see. Sometimes I wonder if he actually exists.

He's with some other department. He only crosses my path in the bathroom. Then he disappears.

I first noticed him about 3 weeks ago. I was going to the restroom and he came up next to me in the urinal. I could only see his outline, but while he was peeing he started spitting non-stop into the urinal. I mean, this was machine gun style one after another loogies making a wet slapping noise against the porcelain. I'm not even sure I heard urine. I'm pretty sure this guy just unzipped his pants so he could spit.

So for the past three weeks, this guy and I seem to have the same pee cycle. Either that or his one job is to wait for me to enter and for him to come in and gross me out. About half the time I go to the restroom this guy comes in next to me without shame and starts spitting.

Last week I decided it was time to look at this monstrosity. He looked like an older version of Bobby Hill. (See above for reference: Now imagine that guy with a tie and his pants unzipped.)

Today I found out his name. As I was getting ready to leave he comes in and starts a spitting. Then I hear the bathroom door open and hear "Hey Tom, we'll be waiting outside for you."

So his name is Tom. Now that I know his name, it took every ounce of self control not to stop mid-stream and yell, "Hey Tom, can you keep your mouth on that stupid potato head of yours from gathering saliva. Or at least start using a different restroom you disgusting blob."

But I didn't. Like I said, self control.

I guess my next step is to learn his last name... and then reset all of his passwords.