Ryan, Jake, and I would scrap up all of the change and allowance we had, beg our parents for more, to blow it all on ride tickets and winning little choochkies made in China.
We would run around in the neon lights until midnight, laughing, being daredevils, and winning posters with sexy ladies on them.
One of my favorites was the Scrambler. Three people to a car, with a large spinning mechanism and a smaller spinning mechanism throwing all three of us against the side of the car in circles.
The Zipper, a Ferris Wheel but stretched, with cage cars that could spin upside down. There was one time at the Bellefontaine fair that the carny running the ride miscounted how many cars had been let off, and Ryan and I were sent on 3 consecutive rides with us screaming, "Let us off" as the world rotated upside down to downside up. (After reading more about the history of carnivals, I think it was purposeful)
And the Buccaneer, a giant pirate ship swing that rearranged your stomach to your throat.
Six Flags St. Louis
At Six Flags, I'd ride the Ninja and Batman over and over again. Thinking it was so cool that you could do the loops and everything. Mr. Freeze was one not many wanted to ride, but I did, and many times.
And then I had my first brush with a ride too scary for me to enjoy, the Screaming Eagle.
I don't remember how old I was, but I doubt I was 10 yet. The commercials were flowing for the Screaming Eagle that year. Thay had just made some changes to the track and replaced some of the cars.
I didn't get to enjoy the ride at all because my skinny little boy body was sliding everywhere and the metal lap bar did not feel sufficient enough to actually stop me from leaving the car.
To this day (and I'm nearing 40) I have not been able to get the guts up to ride the coaster. I've stood in the shadows of the sign and I cannot force myself to actually get on it.
My next run in with "maybe I'm not built for these sort of thrills" was Sal's birthday, June 2014. All she wanted to do was go to Six Flags.
It was one of those classic summer Six Flags days where you question what you're doing with your life. Whoever made the decision to use blacktop as the main walkway component should be imprisoned. The bottom of your shoes feel a little soft and sticky because they are melting. It got into the 90s that day. Still being relatively broke, we weren't about to spend $10 on drinks. So we tried to ration our Power Aide like camels.
We got there early and hit Batman assuming that's where the line would be eventually.
I remember the Batman being the smoothest ride I had ever been on. I would ride front-row and just have the time of my life. NO more. Riding the Batman is like being beat up by Batman. I felt rattled as we left, but ultimately recovered.
Then we hit the swings, which I remember being very relaxing. No longer. It's not just spinning around, 20 feet in the air at a relatively low speed. The new swings lift you up several hundred feet and spin you much faster. Even Sal, normally brave in the face of heights was like, "I don't think I like this."
And then we made the mistake everyone eventually does, we rode the Ninja. Another childhood favorite of mine, I learned those shoulder pads were never made for anyone over 5' 8". They are also worn down to just the smallest amount of rubber between your head and the metal.
The moment we hit the first corkscrew, I knew I had made a mistake.
I felt concussed getting off of the ninja. The combination of the shoe melting heat coming from the ground, the pounding headache I now had, and the stomach nausea cut the day short.
We rode the Ferris Wheel to see if it would help anything, but it didn't.
The kicker on the day... we were rear-ended by someone that very obviously did not have insurance on the way home. He started freaking out. And when I stumbled out of the car and started drive heaving, he freaked out more thinking we were pulling one of those, "Oh my neck hurts, I'm going to sue you" stunts.
Universal Studios
And then we fast forward to our LA vacation last week. I really wanted to go to Universal Studios. I have fond memories of going in Florida as a kid. Universal Studios didn't have "rides," but they had "experiences."
Walk into a room and see a Twister touch down from the movie Twister. Ride a tram into a subway scene and see an earthquake tear everything apart. Ride a slow moving gondola while King Kong tore down buildings all around you.
That's not your Universal Studios today. NOT ONE BIT.
We got there early to beat the crowds. First thing we did was run to Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. It's one of the more popular rides. I thought I was in for a nice easy ride on a broom through Hogwarts.
WRONG. SO WRONG. This experience had shoulder straps which should've been my first clue things were about to go bad. Hermione puts a spell on our seats, and we lift about 15 feet in the air and off we went. This ride had us upside down while a high def screen projected us flying through dungeons and dragons and Quidditch. By the end of it, I was dry heaving.
So, our friend that lives in LA, and goes to the park relatively often, said, "Let's ride a much chiller ride. We'll do the Simpsons ride next."
The Simpsons area was almost as cool as the Harry Potter area. You passed by Moe's Tavern and the Quik E Mart and by the time we walked to the Simpsons Ride, I was feeling pretty good again. We entered the ride. It only had a lap bar (I think this used to be the Back to the Future ride) so I thought, "Ok, this is definitely chiller."
The moment the ride started, our buddy turned to me and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot how this starts." AGAIN, WRONG. Very much a motion sickness ride. It's about a roller coaster that gets knocked off it's tracks and you get pinged all around Springfield.
What's worse, there's another family sitting in front of us now. So if I vom on this ride, I'm throwing up on strangers.
And what's even worse than that, there's a running gag that the ride is about to end like 12 times.
"There's the exit door" screams Lisa as the track falls out from under you.
"We've got to be almost finished" says Bart as we get shot into the sky.
And then finally, there's a sign in front of you that says, "The worlds highest fall" and you go tumbling from space back to Earth.
I had my hat ready to catch any vomit that might come out, but it was a trucker hat and only going to do so good. I did vomit, but I held it in and just ran from the ride as quickly as I could.
So after that, we sat in Hogsmeade and had some butterbeers, rode the log flume, and I stayed the hell off of the rides the rest of the day.
These revelations as an adult have me questioning my warm memories of running around the carnivals and tearing through ride tickets. Maybe I always hated rides, but the nostalgia goggles of when things were simpler (and I had two good knees) make me believe I used to be an amusement park rider.
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