Tragedy seems to come in waves. You can have years of happiness and luck, your grief receptors get dull, and then when the wave hits, you don't expect it. Every time something happens, you feel a cosmic fist punch you right in the throat and while you're recovering from being stunned, your brain has time to think, "well god dammit."
For the second time in 3 months, I'm doing the incredibly sad and confusing ride for the final vet visit.
June 23rd (Wednesday)
Sal got off the phone with the vet only 90 minutes ago.
Newbie has lost 6-7 lbs since Slider passed away in March. At first, we thought he was losing weight because he wasn't running all over the house eating everyone's prescription food.
Then after 3-4 lbs we thought, maybe he was depressed.
His blood work thought there was something else going on and Slider's death was just bad timing.
It would be only cruel poetic justice that Slider jumped into the afterlife first so that his little brother wasn't as scared. Such a hacky writing 101 easy emotional reaction that any creative writing student would've gotten a note to "do better." But here we are. Life mocking good storytelling.
We don't know if Newbie has cancer yet. We have to take him in for more tests. But the blind optimism we tried to have about Slider isn't there. This year has just taken it from us. Three human funerals and a pet passing will do that to you.
So we're currently having a night where we quietly low hum sob in different rooms.
Newbie was a little harder to figure out something was wrong on. He already liked sleeping most the day and only had the stamina to play for a few minutes at a time. We liked to joke about interrupting 5th and 6th nap. So we didn't think anything was wrong until he wasn't eating every meal like it's his last.
June 24th (Thursday)
There was still a giant hole in my life. Slider took up a lot of space. The noises of his nails clacking on the floor or how he'd come up to you in the middle of the day and scream in your face because you hadn't given him attention.
I always called Newbie "Sweet Boy" as a nickname. Where Slider filled a room with his bravado and forced his aggressive love, Newbie was a passive ball of positivity. He would enter the room, say something, sort of do this hunch hop against your shins on his way to take a nap or eat some food. It always made you feel comforted. He just generally changes the vibe in a room to positive.
We've had Newbie since he was a super small kitten. July 4th, 2011. He was an early birthday present for Sal. We raised him when his barn mom could not.
I don't know what I'm going to do if the house becomes even emptier.
We haven't washed the blanket Slider slept on in his final weeks yet because every day Newbie would snuggle up against it and have a nap in the sunlight. I thought maybe it was just because it was soft, but as soon as I moved it to the hard floor, he took his nap down there. Newbie really misses Slider. Anyone that tells you animals don't have personalities or souls are just plain wrong.
If animals don't go to heaven, then I don't want to go either.
Slider was hard to make the ultimate decision because he was my best friend. But Newbie was a package deal. He too was my best friend, so not only is it hard to make the decision, but he's such an anxious cat that I just can't imagine putting him through it. I don't know how to make him feel at ease when he was all these weird people poking and prodding him. I don't know how I'm going to handle it if I have to take him for a final trip to the vet.
Dammit, we could use Slider right now to calm Newbie down. He's so anxious and has no idea what's going on or why the people around him are constantly crying. As long as Slider was around, Newbie would just look to him on how to react.
We're currently sitting on the couch watching the Canadiens vs the Knights, game 6. We've always joked that Newbie is Canadian all based on one Sunday there was an NBC game that was the Senators vs the Rangers. Erik Karlson scored and Newbie just went completely insane and started running around the house. It's looking like the Habs could win. I bet Newbie would've accepted this. He wasn't one to hold grudges. Unless you're from Boston. The Bruins can go cup less for another century.
June 25th (Friday)
Cats know. All animals do. Some intuition. Newbie typically sleeps on top of Sallie all night long.Then, when she wakes up, he comes downstairs, gets fed by me, and immediately takes a nap.
Today, he stayed in bed a little longer with Sallie. I started my work day. He came down to my office and crawled into my lap. He laid on my desk like Slider used to. Newbie never did this before today, mostly because he's such a large cat, it couldn't be comfortable for him.
But today, he's laying on my desk, purring like a madman and I don't want to get up and refill my water or coffee cause I don't want him to leave.
Friday afternoon
We just took our sweet boy to get an ultrasound by a specialist. There's some sort of stomach mass that's very large. Something like typical cat has a stomach lining of 3 mm. Newbie's is 30 mm.
It's cancer. We won't know what kind or how treatable until next week. There's a low functioning kind that can be treated and we may have another 1-3 years with him.
If it's high functioning, we likely have less than 90 days.
June 28th (Monday)
I haven't gotten a good night of sleep in about a week. You're constantly bouncing back and forth between the smallest signs that probably mean nothing.
"Oh, he got an energy boost and jumped into my lap, I bet this is the low functioning cancer and we'll have him for another 3 years."
"He's crying near his food dish, but not touching his food. Am I putting him through pain right now?"
These labs should have to stay open 24 hours a day. People shouldn't have to wait days for information like this.
We know a call is coming today or tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm staring at my phone, waiting to see a 314 number popup on the screen. Every time I catch the phone out of the corner of my eye, my anxiety grows.
Newbie hopped into my lap as he normally does. My absolute favorite thing he used to do all the time was the headbutts. He'd haul his 20lb body into your lap, make some biscuits on your stomach, and then as you rubbed his neck, he'd hit you as hard as he could, right in the jaw with his head. Letting you know he loved you so much, he could give you a concussion.
Newbie gave my arm a headbutt, but it was weak. The will was there, but the strength was not.
June 29th (Tuesday)
We still had not heard the results. I got the guts up to call the vet. It's Lymphoma, worst case scenario.
We were essentially presented with 3 options
- Do nothing: 1-2 months before the cancer starts presenting itself and causing pain
- Steroids: 2-4 months before the cancer starts presenting itself and causing pain
- Chemo: Maybe 2 years, best case, but only if he responds well. This will require weekly vet visits and cost a lot.
We keep our family history written on Christmas tree logs. All of the mundane stuff like who lived with you, where did you live, where did you work, goes on the front of it.
The back is the memorial portion. I couldn't stop thinking about how hard it's going to be to write all of the names we need to on the back this year. Three human funerals and two pets and it's not even July.
2021 is giving 2020 a run for it's money as far as hardest year ever.
June 30th (Wednesday)
Chemo isn't an option. The cancer is too advanced. They gave it a 30% chance it would extend his life a year.
We've said we would do steroids and manage his symptoms. But we're noticing things like his breathing is getting harder and faster. He's having trouble getting comfortable. He's opting to lay on pillows. He's not leaving the second floor. He's not eating even half the calories he's supposed to.
It's going to take one of Sal or I to say it out loud that it's time. But he's still so much there that it just doesn't feel right. But I know it is.
He's so scared. He's always scared. I want him to stay at home, comfortable with us as long as he's happy, but more and more, I'm realizing he's in pain. I don't think we're going to get the 2-4 months. I think we're looking at a week tops.
With Slider, we knew. He was weak, he was quiet. With Newbie, he still looks up at you like, "What's happening to me? This doesn't feel right." I'm trying not to cry around him. I don't want him to spend his limited time with us in shambles.
June 30th (Evening)
I made my second call, in complete shambles to the vet this year. We made all of the decisions and booked time with them tomorrow.
A parade of friends came through to say goodbye. I couldn't face them. I had just gotten out of a really intense therapy session. One thing we learned is that I don't let myself grieve properly around people. It's something I will work on later. Tonight is for me.
Eventually Newbie felt overwhelmed and came down to my office, climbed his cat tree one last time, and laid in the window.
I opened it.
I checked in on him later. He gives me a raspy meow and let's me pet his head. I'm able to keep it together, but just barely and tell him how good of a friend he was to me and how much I was going to miss him. He interrupted each sentence with a meow. And when he knows I'm done, he turns his head toward the window and lays down on his front paw.
He's pulled the blanket exactly how he wants it. He's sitting in front of the window, feeling a nice warm breeze, listening to the birds chirp. The flowers on our bushes came in. It's so intensely peaceful, I just want him to pass like this.
I don't want to have to load him into the cat carrier tomorrow and take him to the vet. I can't think of a more perfect and calm way for my boy to pass and I just wish it would happen. I turn the lights out, hoping when I come down to check on him later, he's passed on.
We checked on him after the sun went down. He was still in the window. We sat with him in my office for hours. Eventually the birds faded to crickets, you could head soft drops of rain hitting the leaves on our bushes. It was peaceful. There were several times where we thought we had hit the end. His breathing would slow, his eyes would close, and then some noise would wake up him.
We brought him up to our bed where he quickly took his spot on top of Sal and her body pillow. I stared at his silhouette, trying to cry as quietly as I could, hoping to let him have the peace he needed.
July 1
We laid in bed with him this morning. He didn't pass in the night. The room was lighter and there was a sense of peace. He climbed on top of my chest one last time and gave me a headbutt and I absolutely lost my shit. It's one of those moments that I want to burn into my brain and remember on my death bed when my life flashes before my eyes.
We left him to get comfortable, hoping against hope that he might pass if he's given time. We signed into work, empty shells of people, trying to pretend to care about anything else.
He didn't pass. We ended up taking him to the vet. I couldn't stay in the room for Slider. I had to stay this time. Newbie needed all the comfort he could get.
His eyes became suddenly very aware of his surroundings. He looked me right in the eyes and tried to console us. He was a therapy cat. Always there when we needed him.
It was both the most traumatic thing to witness and relieving thing to see him actually pass.
I'm just now realizing he won't meet me at the door tonight when I get home. I won't get to wear him like a weighted blanket as he stretched from my chest down to legs while I scratch his neck. I'm realizing how empty my office is now. The world is very gray and empty all of a sudden.
It's Canada Day.
Cause of course it is. My dumb joke just circling around. That the day he dies on.
Goodbye my Sweet Boy. Rest well. You were a very good friend.
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