Hi, I'm in Therapy

2020 has been a hell of a year to bare. 

Trump's America, Covid, incredibly busy work, incredible climate related weather events, the rise of white supremacy and fascism in the United States. It's exhausting just to exist right now. 

I've had this sort of stressful anxiety living in my shoulders and chest since around the time I was on the Japan project. The long hours, the isolation of being on the other side of the world for long periods of time, the not being able to just go out and see my friends. 

And then the project ended, my manager gave me a much easier project, and I thought things were getting better. I felt relaxed, or at least I thought I did. And then when things started ramping up along with the 2020 stuff and I immediately sunk back into the anxiety and despair. 

The difference now is that I don't have the outlet of going on trips or going out and having a couple beers with my friends. I saw the days getting shorter. I started realizing what being cooped up all winter actually was going to mean. No hockey games. No New York. No Toronto. No anniversary dinner out at Farmhaus. Short days, long isolation. 

So I finally took my own advice with a push from Sal and I got a therapist. 

It's been a little difficult to sort of direct the conversations. There's not like a traumatic event I can point to that I want to deconstruct. And showing up saying, "Work is stressful" isn't exactly something you can seek meaningful advice on. "Get a new job."

I've had two sessions and we sort of meander in and out of topics, sometimes finding a topic that we deep dive on for 20 minutes. 

I have to fight my instincts too. 

My therapist and I clicked pretty much immediately. I sort of expected one of those stuffy movie style therapy sessions where I sit on a bit leather virtual couch while the therapist jotted notes down in a little Moleskin notebook, rubbing their chin deep in thought. 

But no, just a regular person I would probably hang out with if not for the patient relationship. So I have to constantly remind myself not to say things like, "Oh, you should come over and meet my wife when Covid's over, you'll love her."

I also have to fight the urge to turn the therapy back on the therapist. After like 25 minutes, I start thinking, "Wow, I've been a total asshole. I should ask her how she's been doing."

Dan, that's not how this works. You're paying for her to listen to you and give you feedback. 

I don't know if I'm looking to get some new perspective, maybe there's something I'm missing in my own head. Maybe I'm just trying to get permission to cut some negativity from my life. 

But that's why I have a therapist. Cause I need some professional point of view to supplement being in my own head all the time. 

Life is a traumatic event. And life is stressful. But it's how you channel those feelings that matter. So maybe that's what's I'm looking for with therapy? How do I channel this incredible ball of empathy and anxiety in my stomach into something useful for the world.