Monday, June 7, 2010

Me, you, and your cyst

I thought I could handle these things better, but I'm finding out more and more how I don't handle them well.

We've been waiting multiple weeks for test results and plans of action to be set in motion and every week there's a new test and a new deadline. Sallie is slowly shutting down, finding herself in more and more pain and more and more uncomfortable. This means she's able to do less and less around the house.

I have no issue picking up the slack until she's better. But the fact that no one has a sense or urgency because this isn't life threatening is starting to piss me off. Its time for action.

I find myself having trouble sleeping at night. I deeply sigh trying to calm my body down, but its constantly going over checklists. "Have you set aside money for this? Have to pay that bill. We'll mow the lawn Wednesday before work and clean the house Thursday after work." I don't fall asleep until long after Sallie and I wake up hours before her. On no sleep, my body is on autopilot, and can't sit still with a seemingly endless list of things to do.

I know its affecting Sallie's energy, work, and moods, but this damn growth is starting to affect mine.

I haven't actively snapped at people, but I'm finding I like talking to people less and less. I avoid some phone calls just to have those few precious moments of silence. It's becoming a burden even to make plans with friends.

In between calls at work, where I normally hone other skills, I stare blankly at the days news. Stories don't make me outrage or smile anymore. They just give my eyes something to focus on for a few minutes.

The worst part is I know that I can't really take a vacation this year. Between the house and these useless doctors visits I've burned through almost all of my PTO. Sallie, by the time her surgery is done, will have no PTO. We aren't even halfway through the year yet and besides the few precious holidays left, we're stuck.

I just need some ideas on how to blow steam off. I've tried the binge eating. I've tried the extreme working out. I've tried keeping myself busy. I just don't know what to do with myself.