My Best Man Speech

This is weird, but I have a tendency to think of what my best man speech would be for every wedding I go to. You know, just in case the best is taken out by ninjas at the last moment, and someone needs to step up and take care of the duties. Here's what I probably would've said about Ryan and Erin.

*Clink clink clink* Everyone, please calm down. I've got something to say.

Erin, I'm just now getting to know you, but the good news is, you're stuck now. There's a test where we find out if a significant other will survive in our family.

First, you have to be deemed worthy enough to be invited to Christmas Eve at grandma Dobyns. Once you've been deemed worthy of this rite of passage, you have to come to the event where you'll be dealing with a dozen screaming children, a dozen taco bean dip eating frenzied adults, the buffet line, and presents.

Erin was able to come to Christmas Eve and not only kept a smile on her face, but interacted with people. She was able to get bean dip onto a chip, and escape without any bite marks on her hand. We escaped to the basement, and she fit in with the secret barrel chair lunch club.

She then survived the scariest part of the Dobyns' Christmas, present time. Wrapping paper is thrown in the air as feral children rip open anything that is wrapped and nearby. And then, the symbol that you check out, Grandma Dobyns ceremonially hands you a gift, accepting your application to our family. Erin, I knew you would be fine.

But let me tell you about Ryan and the type of guy he is. As most of our childhood stories, it involves us in a near death situation. I'm sure you've seen the pictures, Ryan used to be a bit heavier than he is now. (Jerk is now the best looking and most fit person in the family)

So every year, Ryan, Jake, and I would work at the Bottle Show in Westport. We'd pick up McDonalds for all the vendors and take our tip money and wander Westport Plaza. One of the best forms of entertainment was riding the 13 floor glass elevator up to the top floor and back down.

Well, this time, both Ryan and Jake thought it would be hilarious to jump up and down in the elevator.  Both my cousins being heavy at this time, started jumping up and down, the elevator shaking. We made it to the 11th floor when all of a sudden the lights flickered and the elevator came to a screeching halt.

Obviously, being only 12 and thinking you're about to die, your rational mind doesn't work. I never once thought that the emergency brakes engaged and the machine was just making sure that everything was ok. How we each reacted says a lot about who we are.

Jake immediately just started stringing curse words together. "What the f***? What the f*** do we do?"

I immediately started saying, "I hate you fat a*****. I hate you both. You're going to get me killed."

And while Jake and I hysterically cursed, Ryan's instinct was to tell us he loves us, and tried to hug us. Jake pushed him away and then the elevator started back up. It reminded me a lot of the scene from Almost Famous where the plane hits turbulence.

We didn't talk much after that. We just rode the elevator back down to the first floor, tried not to make eye contact with each other, and I don't know if this story has been told since then. But Erin, I wanted to let you know, that if you ever find yourself on an elevator that might come tumbling to its destruction, Ryan will try to hug you, instead of freaking out.