The Red Thumb

When people are great at growing plants, its said they have a green thumb. I had to turn to the color wheel to find out what color thumb I have, and its apparently red, because I kill everything.

Sallie and I spent a good 5 hours outside last weekend getting our garden going, and thus far, its looking a bit pathetic.

We planted three flowering shrubs of some sort in our front yard to make the house look a little better. Two of the three are now wilted and the flowers have completely disappeared. The third one, the one that was doing the best, is looking like its two brothers did a few days ago.

We bought a tomato plant from the farmers market since we've had 0 luck growing them from seed. It looked really happy for the first few days, then we moved it to a larger pot, and bam, that night something digs in there and I find the little tomato plant laying outside the pot on the ground. Looked like some sick crime scene.

I ran outside still in my boxers and held the little tomato plant in my hands and screamed, "Whyyyyyyy?" to the heavens. I tried to replant that guy and gave him a little support. He's looking only a little better than he did on the ground, but he's still wilted and can't hold his own weight up.

On the flip side of that, I can't kill plants I want dead. We have all these trees and bushes along the fence line and under the concrete bench in our back yard that I've chopped to pieces, exposed the roots, dug out, and they keep coming back. It'll go from mangled root to three foot tall tree in two weeks.

So if you ever want someone to kill the plants you love, and help weeds grow, call me.

The Award

Sallie and I spent a brief and hectic time in Chicago. We got in the day before the ceremony and went to the aquarium and two breweries. It was fun, but certainly didn't feel like we had enough time. I would've wanted to meet up with more friends than we did. So maybe next time.

The day of the ceremony we basically checked in, had free lunch, walked around for an hour, came back, took a nap, woke up.

The ceremony took place on the 7th floor grand ballroom. Immediately when we left the elevator we were corralled toward a long line. We didn't really understand why, we could see the bar and food only 15 feet from the elevator, but some lady pushed us to this long line. Sallie went and asked her what it was for, and she said, "So you can walk the red carpet."

We thought maybe she was joking and this was some sort of registration line. Nope, it was a red carpet, lined on both sides with some of the high executives in Wells Fargo. They clapped as we slowly made our way down the carpet where we had our picture taken.

We then went into the ballroom to our assigned tables. The food was absolutely baller. It was mashed potatoes, green beans, asparagus salad, steak, and Tilapia. Then for dinner, chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate cheese cake, a chocolate straw, and creme brulee.

The worst part was the walking across stage. We had to wait for 350 people to have their name read, so we could walk across the stage and shake some hands. I feel like that part could've been streamlined. We weren't even handed our awards on stage.

Here's the award I got from Wells Fargo for being a Top Performer. It's pretty nice. A gold coin encased in glass and a really nice certificate.

 

My Best Man Speech

This is weird, but I have a tendency to think of what my best man speech would be for every wedding I go to. You know, just in case the best is taken out by ninjas at the last moment, and someone needs to step up and take care of the duties. Here's what I probably would've said about Ryan and Erin.

*Clink clink clink* Everyone, please calm down. I've got something to say.

Erin, I'm just now getting to know you, but the good news is, you're stuck now. There's a test where we find out if a significant other will survive in our family.

First, you have to be deemed worthy enough to be invited to Christmas Eve at grandma Dobyns. Once you've been deemed worthy of this rite of passage, you have to come to the event where you'll be dealing with a dozen screaming children, a dozen taco bean dip eating frenzied adults, the buffet line, and presents.

Erin was able to come to Christmas Eve and not only kept a smile on her face, but interacted with people. She was able to get bean dip onto a chip, and escape without any bite marks on her hand. We escaped to the basement, and she fit in with the secret barrel chair lunch club.

She then survived the scariest part of the Dobyns' Christmas, present time. Wrapping paper is thrown in the air as feral children rip open anything that is wrapped and nearby. And then, the symbol that you check out, Grandma Dobyns ceremonially hands you a gift, accepting your application to our family. Erin, I knew you would be fine.

But let me tell you about Ryan and the type of guy he is. As most of our childhood stories, it involves us in a near death situation. I'm sure you've seen the pictures, Ryan used to be a bit heavier than he is now. (Jerk is now the best looking and most fit person in the family)

So every year, Ryan, Jake, and I would work at the Bottle Show in Westport. We'd pick up McDonalds for all the vendors and take our tip money and wander Westport Plaza. One of the best forms of entertainment was riding the 13 floor glass elevator up to the top floor and back down.

Well, this time, both Ryan and Jake thought it would be hilarious to jump up and down in the elevator.  Both my cousins being heavy at this time, started jumping up and down, the elevator shaking. We made it to the 11th floor when all of a sudden the lights flickered and the elevator came to a screeching halt.

Obviously, being only 12 and thinking you're about to die, your rational mind doesn't work. I never once thought that the emergency brakes engaged and the machine was just making sure that everything was ok. How we each reacted says a lot about who we are.

Jake immediately just started stringing curse words together. "What the f***? What the f*** do we do?"

I immediately started saying, "I hate you fat a*****. I hate you both. You're going to get me killed."

And while Jake and I hysterically cursed, Ryan's instinct was to tell us he loves us, and tried to hug us. Jake pushed him away and then the elevator started back up. It reminded me a lot of the scene from Almost Famous where the plane hits turbulence.

We didn't talk much after that. We just rode the elevator back down to the first floor, tried not to make eye contact with each other, and I don't know if this story has been told since then. But Erin, I wanted to let you know, that if you ever find yourself on an elevator that might come tumbling to its destruction, Ryan will try to hug you, instead of freaking out.