Call Me The Last Action Hero

Update on the detox: We are temporarily putting it on hold. This week has been so busy that we don't have time to spend hours a night preparing food. We also can't afford to stay on the diet. We spent $300 on 5 days worth of groceries.

We are going to probably stick with one or two meals from the plan a day. Just try to calm down on our eatings.

Today I took my first spill on the scooter.

I woke up early so I could go to Target and get the newest season of Scrubs on DVD. Its tradition that we drink hard alcohol and tear through a season in a night. So tonight, we are planning on doing that.

So anyway, I was riding on these back streets to get to work after going to Target and I hit a manhole cover that was wet. I skidded out like freakin Mission Impossible 2 completely sideways. (There is a picture representation of these events below.)

Then all of a sudden friction kicked in and the scooter flung to the other side and threw me through the air.

The miraculous part is this. The clumsiest person on the planet, Dan Story, went into the most graceful and awesome action hero role. I rolled across the street and somehow landed on my feet and went into a "I'm ready to take on some ninjas" pose.

A guy driving by on the other side of the street rolled down his window and screamed "Oh MY GOD! JESUS! You alright?" Then like 10 people came spilling out of the nearby restaurant all with cell phones in hand offering to call an ambulance. I told them "Nay, I can't afford a $2000 ambulance ride and somehow I escaped without a single scratch."

The scooter started right back up again and I drove away from my shame as fast as I could.

I'm glad I was wearing my helmet. I didn't hit my head or anything (I actually managed to not even break my Zune or cell phone that were in my pockets)but the amount of crap I would've gotten from these people would've been horrible.

I swear, if someone had their camera phone going I would've paid for the video. It was possibly the coolest thing I've ever done.

Detox: Day 4

Ok, fourth day, you are probably getting bored hearing about this. Turns out I'm getting bored too.

I realized why I was so down the other day. I used to look forward to good food. I used to look forward to Sallie and I getting to bond over a great dish. Those rough mornings at work were somehow less horrible knowing I had a half hour break to eat something I love.

Now I drink whatever dinner is and go to bed. I wake up and drink whatever breakfast is and go to work. I work and then chew on some leaves for half an hour and get back on the phones. I'm just bored.

I'm going to stick with it though. At this point I feel like I need to proove to myself I can do it.

BTW: For those that were interested. That Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich can be found at two places. The best, if you can find one, is W.G. Grinders. A very close second is Penn Station. I suggest getting one this weekend and telling me how it was with deep descriptions so I can live vicariously through you.

Detox: Day 3

Today was much less frustrating than yesterday.

I had my normal lemon water, tea, and fruit breakfast.

The thing that changed was for once I got a hot meal. For the first time since Monday, I got to eat something not room temperature or cold. It was some mung bean mash baby poo looking dish that had carrot chunks in it. It was better than it sounds. Then we had a side of brown rice.

Dinner was disappointing. Cucumber soup... that's cold. (Who the hell calls something cold soup?) Then some coleslaw that again contained every vegetable I hate. Cucumbers, scallions, sprouts,... blech blech blech.

My stomach has definitely shrunk. I was able to fit into my tight work pants today without issue. So even though its been awful, its worked. I could keep up with this, the only issue I had is how horrible some of the food is and how boring the other food is. We're only just now getting into the "real" (I use that term loosely) food calendar. So we'll see what that means.

My current goal is two weeks. If I can make it that far I'll be happy with myself and just can't let me eating get out of control. If I get to two weeks and decide that I don't miss Lion's Choice, pizza, General Tso's chicken, crab Rangoon, Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwiches, Traditional subs from Quiznos, Broccoli cheddar bread bowl from Panera...

Detox: Day 2

Honestly by now, I'm sort of feeling depressed. Its amazing how much joy food can bring to your life. I feel defeated. I can't concentrate. I just feel like the world is one big rainy autumn day. I know that some General Tso's chicken would bring me back to life, but it would negate all that I've accomplished since Sunday night.

I've definitely become clumsier. I've tripped over cats, I've ran my foot over with the scooter with moving it out of the backyard, I've even tripped on my laptop cord and busted part of the plastic that holds the monitor in.

I that if we got to eat just one hot meal I would be fine. Sallie tells me that we have a hot rice and bean meal waiting for us at lunch tomorrow, but I'm so used to coming home and having a hot meal in front of the television. Its sort of the way I wind down.

Today I had lemon water, tea, and a good fruit smoothie for breakfast. Lunch was a salad. Snack was another fruity smoothie. I also had some raw carrots. I wanted a burrito, but I had raw carrots.

A guy at work thought he'd be funny and posted fast food ads all over my desk when I went to retrieve my salad. Note to self: Punch desk neighbor in the back of the head when he least expects it.

For the positives I've definitely noticed that I've dropped some weight in just two days. I'm probably expelling all of that water weight that my high sodium diet brought on. Again, I've had to pee like 14 times today. Its getting old. Especially when I've ran into just about every manager there is multiple times. It probably doesn't look good for my stats.

Sallie offered me an out if I were really that miserable. No matter how hard I wanted to say yes, I forced myself to continue. Here's hoping that there is substantial food in my near future.

Detoxing: Day 1

If overcoming a drug addiction is even twice as hard as what I'm doing, those people deserve their drugs.

Woke up early this morning (thanks to Slider, earlier than even planned) and immediately was told to drink warm lemon water, dandelion tea, and about a pound of berries.

This actually held me over until lunch at 1pm. I thought to myself, this isn't going to be that hard.

1pm: Eat by far the worst salad I've ever had in my life. Not only was there no dressing, but it contained three of my least favorite veggies: sprouts, celery, and cabbage. I choked that down and washed it down with an enriched veggie broth.

2:30pm: Have a short lived fantasy about me going to Lion's Choice and eating a roast beef sandwich while I have pineapple pizza delivered and finish it off with a Snickers bar that has been in the fridge for several hours. It was one of the best fantasies I've had to date.

3:00pm: I'm arguing with myself over what sounds better Butterfinger or Snickers.

3:15pm: I decide they both sound equally good and that its time for me to eat another smoothie.

3:30pm: Found something worse than the salad. This smoothie tastes like onionots. That's a carrot/onion baby for those of you who don't know.

4:30pm: Eat a banana. Besides the pineapple juice, this is the best thing to touch my lips today.

This was already horrible, but add the 14 times I had to pee today, and you have yourself a standard Monday.

I'm also realizing something. Most of Sallie and my relationship is based off of our love of food and how it tastes and feels and makes us feel. We're being cordial to each other because of an unspoken understanding that we are both miserable, but we both keep snapping at the littlest things. I can't wait until Thursday when we start eating real food again.

Detoxing: Day 0

With the kitten and the visiting of people and large home made meals, Sallie and I have been feeling like complete crap for weeks now. We've been eating extremely rich foods with lots of cheese, bread, and sauce and with all the stress we've been taking down more wine, beer, and alcohol than we like to.

So we are going to be on a strict diet and detox from a book Sallie's mother gave us.

First, like a prisoner on death row, we had our last "meal." We opted for Penn Station where I devoured a large Chicken Cordon Bleu and Sallie took on a much more modest medium veggie sub.

We stared at a list of things we had to get. Across the street was Target and Schnucks, both fight weekly for the worst place to be on a Sunday.

At Target we had to get a juicer and a water filter. That was accomplished in a relatively short amount of time.

Then we went to Schnucks. Below is what we got.

-Lettuce Mix X2
-Bag of Walnuts X1
-Bag of Almonds X1
-Alfalfa Sprouts X1 pck
-Brown Rice 1 lb
-Green Cabbage 1 lb
-Broccoli Crowns 1.3 lbs
-Organic Bananas 1 large bunch
-Pink Lady Apples 2 lbs
-Large Avocado X2
-Fresh mint
-Fresh Cilantro
-Whole Pinneapple X1
-Green Onions X2 bunches
-Snow Peas X1 pck
-Red Bell Pepper X2
-Yellow Onion 1.62 lbs
-Lettuce .5 lb
-Large Lemons X3
-Beets X3
-Green Beans .25 lb
-Radish 1 bunch
-Pears 1 lb
-Celery 1 lb
-Turnips l lb
-Organic Vegetable Stock
-Carrots 2 lbs
-Turmeric Spice
-Ripe Nectarines 3 lbs
-Cucumber X5
-Jumbo Grapefruit X4
-Yellow Potato 2.63 lbs
-Garlic Cloves X2
-Blueberries 1 pint
-Raspberries 1 pint
-Strawberries 2 lbs

Tomorrow this is what I'm allowed to eat.
Breakfast: Berries and tea
Lunch: Extremely enriched vegetable broth
Dinner: Leftover of Lunch and nut mixture with tea and sprouts

I can have as much raw fruit and vegetable as possible for snacks, but I'm going to be hungry as can be.

Also, I realize that I'm going to be pooping my brain out. Luckly I have several good books to finish and will have plenty of time to do so.

The last time I weighed myself, I had gained 20 lbs. I was sitting around 217 which is the most I've ever weighed. Weight isn't goi to be an accurate measure of how I'm doing because I'm going to be working out as well and as everyone knows, muscle weighs more than fat.

I will try to update this daily. Just hope that I have enough energy to make that happen tomorrow. Wish me luck, this is going to be interesting.

She Fades into our Memories

One little white and orange cat was able to make such an impact on our lives in one week. She taught Slider a few tricks about how to properly cuddle, and showed Crash the burden of being a mother. And like that she was gone.

We had tried to get her into the vet the same weekend we found her, but their weekend hours were about non-existant. We had her for a full week before we could get her checked out and we were bombarded with bad news.

The vets did normal tests like checking the heart rate, drawing blood, and checking teeth. While we waited for the blood test results to come back, the vet rubbed on her and poked her stomach looking for any abnormal sweeling or internal issues.

First, our worries were confirmed. I officially adopted a hussy of a daughter. She was pregenant. We went into a comical "No daughter of mine" and "Kittens having kittens speech" to keep the atmosphere light. While we were discussing our options, a vet tech popped in and gave bad news number two. The kitten had feline leukemia.

Up until a few months ago, I thought this meant they had cancer. Feline Leukemia is more like AIDS for cats. They can transmit it through grooming, sharing food, biting, more or less normal kitten stuff.

We had to make a very tough decision to put her down for the safety of our cats and to end what was going to become a very painful existance for both her and her kittens.

The process was miserable. We sat in this small room illuminated by florescent light just wanting to leave, but we had to wait to sign paperwork. She brings several sheets of paper in and describs the process. She asks us if we want the remains or if they can do a group cremation for a cheaper price. Then I have to sign the sheet of paper.

My hand trembled. Napoleon was in the room still, staring at me, wondering when we could go home, and here I was making the decision to basically pull her off of life support.

Then we had to have the conversation about our other kittens. Since they had been exposed to Napoleon, they are at risk of getting feline leukemia. We made the earliest appointment we could possibly make with our schedule, which is on Thursday.

Then we got kicked again with a $200 vet fee for everything. This for a lost kitten, we didn't dare call our own yet, but grew emotionally attached to, and we get charged.

Now we are left worrying about our other two kittens. Did they have enough contact with the sick one for them to also become sick?

I hope not. Napoleon wouldn't let them near her. It's probably because she was a mother protecting her space, but I like to think that it was because she knew she was sick and was trying to protect them. That is the memory I'd like to be left with. A noble kitten, looking for one great week in a warm house with nice parents, before she journied into the sunset.

So whatever is it you do to whatever omniscent being that you believe in, pray, hope, or sacrifice goats that our other two buddies are alright. I'd hate to think that that much tragedy could be born out of good intentions.

Check ignition and may gods love be with you

It's moments before work. The main character sips in a few last precious moments of free air. He suits up.

He swivels the arm around and takes a seat.Motors and belts spin the disk around. A familiar scratching fills the air like instruments being tuned. He closes his eyes and let's the countdown take over.

"Ground control to Major Tom.
Commencing countdown, engines on
Check ignition and may gods love be with you."

His seat rumbles and he takes a deep breath and utters to himself, "This is just another day. A day like yesterday, and not much different from tomorrow. But why is it so hard to do my job today?"

"Planet Earth is so blue, and there's nothing I can do."

He spins around the planet wondering what next. If the stars can't change, how is he supposed to.

He thinks about how sometimes it seems that his enemy is the closest thing he has to a friend. When he mind goes to that dark spot the chorus swells and a calm washes over him.

"Im feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go"

Just as the song is about to end I remember the first time I heard the song. The first time David Bowie inspired my life. It was for television spots for Apollo 13. I remember sitting on the couch and hearing "Tell my wife I love her very much she knows..." and thinking that the song could only be inspired by a lost spaceman.

The months and years of dust and grime on the record just about made the record unplayable. The speakers scratch my eyes awake.

I sighed, looked down and realized I didn't have a spacesuit on. Only a cheap tie that was falling apart, but somehow it felt alright today.

Yeah, I would be alright today.

Red

The rumors are true, we are officially cat people. We have more of less inherited a third cat.

The cat is this ultra cuddly orange and white semi-calico looking cat. (Picture above for those that can't decipher that non-commital definition.)

I likes to rub beards with me, curl up like a baby in your arms, and scream at the top of her lungs whenever Slider approaches.

We think Slider has a crush. He takes after dad and can't resist the red heads. The new cat takes after Sallie and plays hard to get.

We've been calling her Red or Napoleon as temporary names. Red for the obvious reasons of it being an easy word to utter and she has red hair. Napoleon because she's so small and pissed at Slider that we believe she has a Napoleon complex.

Crash could care less about the new cat. There have been a few times where she sort of stares at it for a moment and then gives up.